OK, I’m admitting it: Z!TV (this blog) hacked Sony.
I wanted to find new information, things the Big Hack did not uncover. You know, actual news.
You see, here’s the thing, the way Variety and MSNBC have, just like the tabloid sites, reveled in revealing all this “news,” someone needs to make it clear: There’s very little actual news in the Sony hack.
"Reporting" that people of one race make insensitive jokes about someone of another race when nobody outside their circle is looking, is not news. It’s shitty, yes, but it’s not news.
Black people joke about how white people are all uptight and like to watch New Girl and need to have their dressing on the side and came this close to making Cuba Gooding, Jr. a big star.
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| Cuba Gooding Jr. Tries in Vein to Protect Himself From The Virus Which Killed Marisa Tomei's Career |
White people joke about how black people are all “big ass” this and “phat ass” that and eat too much fast food and came this close to making Terrence Howard a big star. (That’s actually not true. White people say, “Terrence who?” And then go, “Oh, I never saw that movie.”)
Asians joke about stupid white children.
The Cherokee make fun of the Kiowa.
The Hindi-speakers make fun of those speaking Urdu.
Klingons hate on the Romulans.
Marvels make fun of DCs.
Cats laugh at dogs.
It’s human nature. And, yeah, it’s upsetting, it can twist your insides.
But so can Taco Bell, and yet we still go and get it every now and again. Why? Because the ease of having spent 5 bucks for more food than a child in Detroit will see in a year is just too good to pass up. (Seriously…can someone freakin’ help out Detroit?!)
We’ll get back to bashing Variety and MSNBC below, but, keep in mind, the part of this hack scandal that is news? It’s that these people who make a million-plus a year weren’t smart enough to have the sorts of convos they were having through their office e-mails through their personal e-mail instead.
If you’re going to talk shit about someone, take it offline, people!
The author of this post was once having a secret relationship with a supervisor of his (secret because that was frowned upon). Sending e-mails which read “I’m thinking about suckling the underside of your left breast” might very well set off a few alarms. As such, a typical exchange, on the office e-mail servers, went more like this:
Guy: Hey, I have a package for you at my cubicle.
Girl Boss: You do? What kind of package?
Guy: A big package. I just found it here, under my desk.
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| People with Packages are Bad |
Guy: Yeah. And…wait. Hold on. I think the package is getting…bigger.
Girl Boss: Really? That’s weird. How’d it get bigger?
Guy: I don’t know, but you better come over here, it’s not going to fit under the desk much longer.
Girl Boss: In that case, could you please bring it to my office? It’s just about lunch time, and I’d like to get to this package before I feel all filled up.
Guy: Be right there!
See? How hard is that? (Which, of course, makes me think of another exchange…)
Scouring the info of the Sony hack, we did uncover some actual news. Here are the top 3 pieces on newsworthy tidbits from the Sony hack!
1. Nobody is Safe from the Attacks of Sony Pictures President Doug Belgrad
While the country is still reeling from — and crowds of protestors continue to march against — the many attacks of Billy Cosby, it looks like Sony Pictures Prexy Doug Belgrad has skirted under the radar.
Our hack revealed Belgrad personally fingered every single employee
lunch. That’s right, whether it’s yogurt, a sandwich, or leftover Thai
food from a failed first date the night before last, Belgrad takes a
bite out of every single lunch in the break room.
2. Sony refuses to hire trained marmosets.
In an e-mail exchange between the HR department and a marmoset applying for a position in accounting, the HR rep wrote as follows:
Dear Stanley [the Marmoset]:
We thank you for your interest, but Sony is unable to offer you a position at this time.
While we do not wish to cast aspersions on those from the animal kingdom, we have discovered, as a result of past partnerships with Kevin James, we are just not equipped to employ a marmoset. Also, you’re a marmoset.
Sincerely,
Sony Pictures HR
3. Even the biggest websites have no idea what part of all this is news:
Adam Howard, over at MSNBC’s site, somehow misinterpreted George Clooney’s not-so-subtle reference to the U.S. government’s citizen-spying program as a “prediction” of the hack:
Clooney wrote Pascal, “I’m so excited to do this film, and
for those of you listening in … I’m the son of a news man.”
Variety so-very-happily pointed out in its hack headline (that’s a double entendre there, folks!) that Scott Rudin is apparently “nasty” and “insulting.” Um, guys at Variety? Because we enjoy harping on this, we’d again like to point out: This has NOT BEEN NEWS FOR 20 YEARS!:
CLICK TO READ: SCOTT RUDIN IS A TOTAL DICK - Spy Magazine, Dec. 1996:
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