I can say with certainty
that the load of anal miasma that was 2016 has proven #2 correct, albeit
with this caveat: Some of those entertainers in entertainment news are
an important part of our culture.
So, this is a mostly
positive, upbeat, happy, non-killing, non-election, non-suicidal look
back at 2016. Yes, from January 1 to December Now, after thorough
research, it was clear: I’d be better off just effing killing myself.
Thus, using a broken China doll I slit my wrists, tossed myself out a
window, landed on a little red Corvette, and as I looked up to that
bright light, I shouted “Hallelujah!” and began writing my final 2016
Z!TV story.
Yet it still seemed to me that all of you out there — and by all of you, I mean my 3 dedicated followers (2 if you exclude the dog. 1 if you exclude the mom. [The third one is me.]) — deserved to see 2016 go out with a bang. And, by “a bang,” I mean a shot to the head, because 2016 is the worst #$%@ing year ever. Not since The Black Death of 1348* has a year made so many people crave to be put out of their misery.
No, seriously, this is comedy...I’m getting there...
(*Thanks, to Slate’s Worst Year In History http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/history/2016/07/is_2016_the_worst_year_in_history.html story for that one [OK, 1492 was pretty bad too]).
Where oh where do we start? Welp, I like this one:
Funniest Overlooked Gem of the Year
Janet Jackson released a sweet and bizarre little video (not yet the funny part):
A message from Janet...https://t.co/KrzYZ4eyvD— Janet Jackson (@JanetJackson) April 6, 2016
In said video, the Jackson
sis announced she is “planning a family” while smiling with giddiness
and explaining she needs to “rest up” due to “doctor’s orders.”
But over at Entertainment
Tonight — our leader in entertainment news since the world discovered
the legs of Mary Hart — a reporter (and I use the term the way one uses
sweat pants when all your undies are in the wash) asked the following ridonkulous question of said “cryptic” video: “What does this mean?”
Yes, what on Earth could
Jackson possibly mean?! And, as if asking the question wasn’t enough, ET
had to then suppose if “she’s going to adopt or get a surrogate.”
Because most parents of an adopted baby, or those who utilize
surrogates, often announce that they’re “planning” a family, that they
“have to do this now,” and are told by doctors to “rest up.” And I’ve even heard that there are reports showing parents who adopt are less likely to be found breast feeding than those who give birth.
Quick, somebody call Ripley! Somebody call Guinness!!
In related news, after Brad
Pitt and Angelina Jolie called it quits, ET queried, “Does this mean
Jolie’s 14 adopted kids will have a new dad in...Jennifer Aniston?”
Now for the hard part. Ready?...
Now for the hard part. Ready?...
Dead Celebrities You All Freakin’ Forgot About
We all know the big deaths of this year, but did you know that 1970s B-list celebrity icon Schneider, from One Day At A Time, died? Watch this for about 2 minutes for some old-fashioned and shockingly innocent 1970s laughs:
How does Valerie Bertinelli still look exactly the same???
Leslie Jones Is A Horrible Person And Shouldn’t Be President of the U.S.
#13. Refused To Admit That “Lemonade” Is About Her!
#12. Refused To Admit The Strahan/Ripa Split Is About Her!
#11. Refused To Admit The Brangelina & Hiddleswift Splits Were About Her!
#10. Urinates On Homeless People “Just Because [She] Can!”
#9. Refuses To Eat Her Peas Even Though There Are Children Starving Around The World.
#8. Totally Did It With Julian Assange And Then “Got Hacked” (wink, wink) To Show Photos To The World.
#7. Agreed To Take A Paycheck For A Movie Someone Else Wrote And Cast Her In.
#6. The Death Of Hodor.
#5. Cancelled American Idol (Three Seasons Too Late).
#4. Refused to Reveal Who Negan Killed Before Season Premiere!
#3. With Mental And Comedic Acuity, Continually Up-Ends Hollywood And Common Stereotypes By Playing The “Angry Black Woman” In SNL Sketches But Never In Real Life.
#2. Pokémon Go? Her Idea!
And the No. 1 Top 15 Worst Thing Leslie Jones Has Ever Done To The World and To Me Personally...
1. While Living In The Old West, Once Took T’ Shootin’ A Guy Just 'Cuz He Was a’snorin’.
That should do it for 2016, folks. And, remember, while 2016 was a Sh!tnado of epic proportions, I imagine 2017 is going to see King Kong-sized turds being hurled though the air on a regular basis. Buy an umbrella. Hide your mom. And hang on tight.
Z!TV – the last thing you need to know.
How does Valerie Bertinelli still look exactly the same???
And Schneider (actually Pat
Harrington) wasn’t the only TV icon death (big names we all know aside),
Abe Vigoda, who survived two Godfather movies, a terrible Barney Miller
spinoff — the reputation of which outlasted its run — and the ABC
series Norm (yes, the short-lived Norm Macdonald TV series in case you
were wondering) was also murdered by that evil sonuhvaB 2016!
Other overlooked TV icons
who saw the future of 2016 and called it quits include British secret
agent redux and Man from U.N.C.L.E. Robert Vaughn, occasional Talking
Heads keyboardist Bernie Worrell, Ray Romano and Remington Steele’s
source of agitation Doris Roberts; Radio Raheem, aka, Spider-Man’s Joe
Roberson, left us as well; lover of horses in the most unusual way, the
guy who played Wilbur in Mister Ed; Joe Alasky an amazing voice-over
artist who you might know as the 2nd Bugs Bunny (or the first Grandpa
Lou on Rugrats), the 2nd live-action Lois Lane in history, Noell Neil,
also got hit by 2016; Cohen Bros. stalwart Jon Polito took a powder; and
both R2-D2 and Admiral Ackbar should’ve known that 2016 was a trap!
In Less Sad News
Kelly Ripa started off the
year hopeful, happy, and horny for Mark, as she always is. But that’s
neither here nor there (although I kind of wish it was here. [Yeah…I’d
join. I mean, for heaven’s sake, she might be small enough to fit in
your Chapstick tube after the wax lip balm is all gone, but she’s
delish!]).
Soon, Kelly’s entire world fell apart when Regis stabbed her in the back and, working as Michael Strahan’s business manager, got a deal for the ex-football player to give even more housewives around the country jungle fever and become Good Morning America’s 2nd-least-liked co-host (right behind Lara Spencer) and, as a result, helped The Today Show get a much-needed ratings bump by the time December rolled around.
Soon, Kelly’s entire world fell apart when Regis stabbed her in the back and, working as Michael Strahan’s business manager, got a deal for the ex-football player to give even more housewives around the country jungle fever and become Good Morning America’s 2nd-least-liked co-host (right behind Lara Spencer) and, as a result, helped The Today Show get a much-needed ratings bump by the time December rolled around.
OK…it’s possible I may have gotten some of that Regis stuff mixed up.
According to Z!TV sources
(no, really, we have actually sources on this one!), Kelly Ripa seemed
to have been tired of the morning-show game, even a bit jealous of
Strahan’s popularity, so his sudden retreat to another show should not
only have not been a surprise but a boon.
However, after the entertainment news sites spent spring and summer making guesses about who would co-host with her next, they all gave up on the story and moved on to more interesting things — like the last Will and Testament of Ryan Lochte’s career.
However, after the entertainment news sites spent spring and summer making guesses about who would co-host with her next, they all gave up on the story and moved on to more interesting things — like the last Will and Testament of Ryan Lochte’s career.
In case you’re wondering who
was on the Ripa list of potential co-hosts, a job that’s still up for
grabs, names floated around included perennial straight girl’s gay best
friend Anderson Cooper, fake guy’s guy & gay best friend Neil
Patrick Harris, all-growed-up Stand By Me fat boy Jerry O’Connell, Schneider from One Day At A Time, Man from U.N.C.L.E. Robert Vaughn, Mister Ed’s Wilbur, Jon Polito, R2-D2, & Admiral Ackbar.
It can’t be a coincidence, people! “It’s a trap!”
Leslie Jones Is A Horrible Person And Shouldn’t Be President of the U.S.
This year Leslie Jones allowed her likeness to be used in the 100% CGI movie reboot Ghostbusters.
(Yes, I know, you’re wondering, “Wait, that was all CGI?” It was. There
were no actors actually used on set, and everybody was re-created with
visual F/X for a better “enhanced experience,” according to studio
execs, who explained it was to “ensure nobody can 100% be blamed for the
excrement of a famed franchise reboot piece of horsesh#! we put on
screen.”) But that didn’t stop the world from blaming Leslie Jones for
ruining 2016…and the Earth as we know it.
With that in mind, I would
like to re-present to you my 100% true, totally not made up, not-at-all
stolen idea from David Letterman’s Late Night or Late Show, and
completely on the up and up “Top 10 Worst Things Leslie Jones Has Ever Done To The World and To Me Personally.” I would like to, but instead what I’m going to do is make it a Top 15. Here we go…
Having so much fun with my aunts!!! This my aunt Ann's wig lmao!! It better in her!! pic.twitter.com/2iQLrKbbmU— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) December 25, 2016
#15. In Very Last Episode, Slapped The Good Wife Across The Face.
#14. Vactioned in Paris...to secretly Rob Kim Kardashian.
#13. Refused To Admit That “Lemonade” Is About Her!
#12. Refused To Admit The Strahan/Ripa Split Is About Her!
#11. Refused To Admit The Brangelina & Hiddleswift Splits Were About Her!
#10. Urinates On Homeless People “Just Because [She] Can!”
#9. Refuses To Eat Her Peas Even Though There Are Children Starving Around The World.
#8. Totally Did It With Julian Assange And Then “Got Hacked” (wink, wink) To Show Photos To The World.
#7. Agreed To Take A Paycheck For A Movie Someone Else Wrote And Cast Her In.
#6. The Death Of Hodor.
#5. Cancelled American Idol (Three Seasons Too Late).
#4. Refused to Reveal Who Negan Killed Before Season Premiere!
#3. With Mental And Comedic Acuity, Continually Up-Ends Hollywood And Common Stereotypes By Playing The “Angry Black Woman” In SNL Sketches But Never In Real Life.
#2. Pokémon Go? Her Idea!
And the No. 1 Top 15 Worst Thing Leslie Jones Has Ever Done To The World and To Me Personally...
1. While Living In The Old West, Once Took T’ Shootin’ A Guy Just 'Cuz He Was a’snorin’.
That should do it for 2016, folks. And, remember, while 2016 was a Sh!tnado of epic proportions, I imagine 2017 is going to see King Kong-sized turds being hurled though the air on a regular basis. Buy an umbrella. Hide your mom. And hang on tight.
Z!TV – the last thing you need to know.
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