What will happen at the Oscars? LOTS of BIG, FAT LOSERS!

In the 1st Annual Oscars Big, Fat Losers, we’re going to go over the list of Oscar nominees and, rather than further praise the likely 2015 Oscar winner, we’re going to call out the biggest loser in the bunch.

So, since my invitation to the Academy Awards was lost in the mail, let’s have some fun...

 

Best Actress

Likely Winner: Julianne Moore in “Still Alice”
Possible Upset: Felicity Jones in “The Theory of Everything”
Who Everyone Forgot 7 Mos. Ago: Rosamund Pike in “Gone Girl”
Likely Doesn’t Care (she's French...she doesn't care about anything): Marion Cotillard in “Two Days, One Night”
BIG, FAT LOSER: Reese Witherspoon in “Wild” - Reese tried too hard. Playing a woman who used to play with heavy drugs, sleep around, and cheat on her dedicated fiancé, the woman discovers her mom is dying and decides to commune with Zzzzzzz. Oh, and she’s nekkid. But it’s for naught. No one saw Wild. No one will.

 

Best Actor

Likely Winner: Eddie Redmayne in “The Theory of Everything”
Who Everyone Wants to Win: Michael Keaton in “Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
Who Wins the Really Big Prize (a Marvel franchise): Benedict Cumberbatch in “The Imitation Game”
Possible Upset: Bradley Cooper in “American Sniper”
BIG, FAT LOSER: Steve Carell in “Foxcatcher” - Well, let’s make things clear: Carell is certainly no loser. You start out as a Daily Show correspondent and become one of the biggest box office draws in movies? Not so bad. But Carell keeps making these bizarre dramas that never really connect: Even Almighty, Get Smart, Burt Wonderstone (at least, I think those were dramas). Carell decided, around the time he agreed to make the Hallmark channel-rejected movie “Dan in Real Life,” that he wanted to be a real actor. Or, rather, that he just doesn’t want all the news stations, sometime in the future, to state “Known best as the 40-year-old virgin, Steve Carell died tragically today...” With that in mind, Director Bennett Miller, who could’ve done anything he wanted, with any actor he wanted, after Moneyball chose to surrender any chances of getting a director nod by casting Carell. And he seemed to have made his decision based on Carell’s nose. Apparently his schnoz was the only one that would take to the prosthetic. The real loser here: Bennett Miller. And Carell is now "Oscar nominee, Steve Carell" and no longer "The actor best-known as the 40-year-old virgin."

Best Supporting Actress

Extremely Likely Winner: Patricia Arquette in “Boyhood”
Looking for a Series On Showtime: Laura Dern in “Wild”
Not Gonna Happen: Keira Knightley in “The Imitation Game”
Throatiest: Emma Stone in “Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
BIG, FAT LOSER: Meryl Streep in “Into the Woods” - Oh, Meryl, we love you, but Hollywood will never give you an award for your singing.

Best Supporting Actor

Likely Winner: J.K. Simmons in “Whiplash” (for playing J.K. Simmons in everything)
Possible Upset: Ethan Hawke in “Boyhood”
Cursing Under his Breath: Robert Duvall in “The Judge”
Still Angry at Marvel: Edward Norton in “Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”
BIG, FAT LOSER: Mark Ruffalo in “Foxcatcher” - Dude’s been nominated before in the category (The Kids Are Alright) and won a ton of critics awards...and here he is playing second fiddle to the 40-Year-Old Virgin. 

Best Director

Likely Winner: Alejandro G. Iñárritu, "Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)"
Practicing Tracking Shots: Wes Anderson, "The Grand Budapest Hotel"
Back to the old Oscar Bait 'n' Tackle Shop: Morten Tyldum, "The Imitation Game”
BIG, FAT, LOSER: Richard Linklater, "Boyhood" - He might actually win this thing. I mean, it’s hard to make a movie that everyone admires but is so utterly awful. Each character, save for Arquette’s, is a 2D caricature: the divorced dad who tries too hard to connect w/the kids; the drunk step dad who grumbles “I’m having a drink with dinner, you got somethin' t' say 'bout that?!”; the guy whose glory days are long past so now he has a crappy blue-collar job and hates life and takes it out on the step-kids... Linklater also seems to think that, in film, showing and telling are just not enough, so he must show and tell and show and tell again...juuust to be certain that we get every little thing at all times always...heaven forbid the audience have to work for anything.
40-Year-Old Virgin: Bennett Miller, "Foxcatcher"

Best Picture

Likely Winner: Boyhood
Likely to Spin-Off to an Adult Swim Animated Series: Birdman
Loser That Leaves Everyone Guilt-Ridden: Selma
Possible Upset: The Theory of Everything
Can't Break the Code: The Imitation Game
BIG, FAT LOSER: The Grand Budapest Hotel - Hey, listen, it's a great film. It's possibly Anderson's best. But it's still Wes Anderson doing exactly what he always does. Do I think it should win? Yeah. Will the academy? I dunno...they seem SO impressed with a guy who filmed the same actors again and again over 12 years, in spite forgetting to write a script, that Anderson's chances are, like his slacks, ultra-slim.
Left vs. Right, Us vs. Them, Write vs. Wrong: American Sniper
Remake of Fame (but with Drums): Whiplash

 

Those're the biggies, folks! Looking forward to seeing how it plays out...Updates will happen here Oscar night!