Well, you know, until putting some PR spin on the situation is called for.
Most recently, video surfaced — thanks to investigative journalistic juggernaut and bastion of Fourth Estate integrity TMZ (which would never lower itself to paying for information but, rather, gets it the old-fashioned way: threats) — wherein NFL football running back Ray Rice is seen violently attacking his wife. But, hey, here's an important fact the news organizations keep harping on: She was really just his fiancée at the time. If you're wondering what the relevance is of this teensy bit of info — like, what, did the beating hurt less because they weren't yet married? — it's really quite simple: Tossing in as much sensationalistic detail as inhumanly possible is what helps keep things deliciously salacious. They want you to tune in for more.
Anyhoo, back to that guy who we hope has CTE: The video is the second such attack video featuring NFL player Rice. In a previous security video, also released by TMZ, Rice is seen dragging his unconscious wife out of the elevator which, as we now know, is where the altercation began.
Z!TV has not posted either the elevator video nor the “aftermath” video, because your local and national news organizations are too busy using them to get you to watch whatever “further coverage” of the story they can wring out. As such, both videos were checked out of the library, and we couldn’t get a copy.
In this most-recent video of Rice — apparently a man only on the outside — that polyp on the anal gland of the NFL is seen punching his wife twice in the elevator; she then falls to the floor unconscious.
People have expressed disgust via Twitter, with celebrities weighing in:
[NOTE TO HTML CODER: Insert inane opinion #1 from a dumb celebrity here]
[NOTE TO HTML CODER: Insert even more inane opinion #2 from a stupider celebrity here]
The NFL commissioner, Roger Something, apologized after public outcry, stating, “We were really just looking out for our bottom line. We didn’t realize it could cost us even more in bad PR.”
The NFL thus made changes in their “Beating Up Your Spouses” rules — namely, it’s still OK to do it, but the NFL’s going to really, really punish their players for it, because lots of people will probably hear about it. So they might even be out for a full season (or less).
Yet, while that half-assed mea culpa was released via a press conference, there was no additional punishment put in place for Rice. However, once the new violent video within the elevator surfaced, the NFL commissioner said, “Oh, we didn’t know he fucking hit her! Yeah, we just thought maybe she fainted at the site of his incredibly tiny penis. Or, like, ate a bag of party snack mix and had a bad reaction to some peanuts in it. And, well, while dragging your wife out of an elevator isn’t exactly the Heimlich maneuver, we couldn’t really know for sure that something bad went down. I mean, seriously. How could we know he did anything quite so repugnant? He makes a living playing a running back, the only position in the game of football which requires absolutely no pummeling of fellow human beings at all.”
His pants on fire and nose grown to two meters in length, the commish then turned his attention to negotiating acceptable hush-money amounts for the concussion lawsuit litigants — all 4,000 of them — a case which is still pending.
The commish then blew Tom Brady, part of an agreement reached with the New England Patriots quarterback who on a recent CNBC appearance encouraged parents to have their kids play football, because the likelihood of real brain injury is low. Said Brady, “Concussions are just a part of the toad plant burger jolly Fahrvergnügen. Belly.”
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