Scientists, L.A. Courts Discover New Lowest Lifeform on Earth: CeeLo Green

*Warning: This Post Contains Naughty Words!*

CeeLo Green, possibly best known as the tiny assistant to Mr. Roarke on 1970s hit “Fantasy Island,” seems to have decided rape is AOK, admitted to doing it, and even adding that rape’s not always rape, saying via Twitter:
 
“If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously, so WITH Implies consent.”

 

 

His Tweet has been seen thousands of times thanks to one Twitter user posting the above image of CeeLo’s Twitter feed, which was soon picked up by news outlets nationally.
 
Z!TV has called in a grammarian from the U.K. Etymological Institute of Phonetic Alphabetic Grammar and Preposterous Phraseology, ready to parse out CeeLo’s words to prove our point. The grammarian representative studied CeeLo’s Twitter messages, researched his background—including details of his so-called singing career—and, after much internal discourse, came to the following conclusion:
 
“CeeLo’s an asshole.”
 
Further study was then conducted independently by Z!TV; we uncovered that the Tweet essentially implies or states four things:

 

1. Someone was passed out with CeeLo (see the details of his recent court case).

2. CeeLo states if one is “passed out” and with you, it means they’re not conscious of being with you.

3. So, OK, if “with” implies consent, then her unconscious state—per CeeLo’s own definition—means she gave no consent.

4. Hence, he admitted to raping her, even after arguing w/Twitter users that there is no “plausible proof.” What a guy.


According to Newsweek, CeeLo removed his Tweet, and the one which followed, where he stated, “People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” As we know, removing the Tweet admonishes you in the eyes of CeeLo’s god, whom he references frequently.
 
Said God, “Fuck that doucheburger. He better watch it now.”
 
Other deleted Tweets by CeeLo include:

 

“I didnt blow the 12 men who said I did, b/c none of them were conscious when I did it.”  --@CeeLoGreen

“Nobody else gets it: When U have T-rex arms, its SO difficult to masturbate. #BackScratchersHurt” --@CeeLoGreen

“Im wider than I am tall. So it AOK I drug an rape women!!! RT cuz im coolest. #TVStarsDontDoJailTime” --@CeeLoGreen

“Backstsage at #TheVoice, having consensual sex with lil boys. I make sure theyre unconscious, so itz kool. #LuvGod” --@CeeLoGreen
 
“Midget hooker I paid got down on her knees and looked me right in the eyes to tell me im despicable #Soshort” --@CeeLoGreen

“Pop-Tarts are not self-aware so i can eat em all day and still be in great shape #ShapedLikeaHippetyHop” [Link to arcane reference here.]  --@CeeLoGreen

“@JohnStamos – Y U WONT STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS?! Want to do it ‘consensually’?”
--@CeeLoGreen
 
“only just found out doin’ it doggystyle dont mean I need to have a doggy. But cant get this Lhasa Apso off mah ass. @CesarMilan #DogSlippedMeSomethin”  --@CeeLoGreen
 
“Feel bad for @JustinBeiber, way he always disgracing his family/mother. #iGiveMyMomE”
--@CeeLoGreen
 
“i aint fat…just explained to Doc, all pork i eat is unconscious when i eat it, so its not able to make you fat.” --@CeeLoGreen

“Pls remember, we all make mistakes an we all just human…some of us just more rapey humans than others.” --@CeeLoGreen


CeeLo has since left Twitter. His fans are standing behind him—like, way, way behind him. Some have even started a fund: SendCeeLoIntoOuterSpace.org.




-30- 
Note: The above is satire. Celebrity tweets are 100% fake…
but the first 2 quotes from CeeLo, per Newsweek and Twitter, are REAL.