Considering how many e-mails about what an intolerable boob Adam Sandler is, perhaps the FBI and everyone else is misconstruing the whole point behind this Sony hack.
Granted, we're all in awe of this. I mean, is it possible we all somehow underestimated how much of an intolerable boob Adam Sandler is?
Perhaps. But if the hackers are calling themselves the GOP, writing in broken English and broken Korean, asking for money, and also asking that "The Interview" not be released, isn't it possible there's more here than meets the eye?
Think about it, there's an even bigger group that does not want "The Interview" released: they're called critics.
Not only would they have to sit through another half-assed Seth Rogan/James Franco flick that's only funny after a coupla hits off the Scooby-Doo bong, but then they'd have to spend another hour writing the review.
And if that's not enough, upon posting the inevitable mostly negative review, they'd have to then read the comments from the Rogan fans. You know the "Rogan's totaly 'dope' u
compleat asshat!" and "Screw you, this movies funny. Your an idoit!"
Yeah.
Welp. I decided to get the crack Z!TV tech team on the case. We traced the hack, read the code, checked the pings, measured the bandwidth, and got off to some Japanese bukkake. And when all was said and done, we found what we were looking for...
WE HACKED THE SONY HACKERS!
Yes, we're pretty sure the guys who helped the North Korean government get their biggest win since Dennis Rodman admitted his love for them are located right here in the U.S. And not just here in the U.S. but right outside Sony studio's home in Culver City! (Because, seriously, no one wants to fucking live inside Culver City...)
Here's the conversation we found in its entirety!...It allll began in 2013...
Tim: Hey, so I saw After Earth this wknd.
Christopher: How'd that hapen?
Tim: My mom made me see it with her.
Christopher: Why?
Tim: She loves Will Smith.
Christopher: Oh.
... Why?
Tim: I don't knwo.
Christopher: Was it as bad as every single critic on the Earth has said? Was it the complete waste of time, space, money, energy, and fossil fuels one would expect based on the trailer?
Tim: Somehow it was worse.
Christopher: "Somehow"? You DID say Will Smith is in it, right?
Tim: The movie was terrible. It was one of the worst films I've ever seen. I atually committed suicide half-way thru it, but Lord Buddha felt I should not yet leave my mother and forced me back to endure the rest of it. So I'm thinking of killing M. Night Shymalalan...and Will Smith.
Christopher: Woh, woh...AFTER EARTH WAS AN M. NIGHT MOVIE?!!?!?
Tim: Yeah. The most interesting thing M. Night Shamalonian's brain has produced since Sixth Sense was, I dunno, serotonin maybe.
And I think Sony was trying to keep it secret he was on it.
Christopher: Those basterds!
Tim: Yeah! Wot a load of pube-lickers!
Christopher: Why's your mom such a big Will Smith fan? Did he boink her?
Tim: No, you muntjac, she grew up watching his movies. So she likes to see anything he's in.
Christopher: What's her favorite ?
Tim: Her favorite Will Smith film?
Christopher: Yeah.
Tim: I'm not 100% sure, but I think she once said it's White Men Can't Jump.
Christopher: What?
Tim: Yeah, it's either White Men Can't Jump or that Wong Foo movie.
Christopher: AHAHAHHAHA -- idiot!
Tim: ??
Christopher: That's Wesley Snipes! Your mom likes Wesley Snipes!! Not Will Smith!!
Tim: What the fuck. Hold on...
Christopher: Your mom's stupid!
Tim: GODDAMN IT! I just Goggled it. You're right. So I fuckin sat though that horrid After Earth heap of cold dung for NOTHING! A movie which made me reconsider having children b/c I wouldn't them to accidentally suffer my fate should they be up at 2am some night accidentally watching the Flix channel.
Christopher: Sony sucks.
Tim: They totally suck. I'm going to get even with them for this. I vow it!
Christopher: You gonna go all Blade 2 on their asses.
Tim ...fuck you, Chris...fuck you.
Christopher: Don't blame me for this...After Earth isn't my fault.
Tim: Well, I can blame Will Smith. Although he's already been punished. Jaden seems to be a total d-bag.
 |
| Screen Cap of the Original Hacker E-mails |
Tim: AUGGH! No. Full blame lays upon Sony.
Christopher: SONY MUST GO DOWN!
Tim: Yes...yes, they must.
And there you have it! The real story. And it's far more realistic than thinking for even a second that anyone in North Korea has the capabilities of hacking a major U.S. corporation like Sony. Which is really a Japanese corporation. Which, come to think of it, would be really stupid -- I mean, they're RIGHT NEXT DOOR!
Perhaps the next move is to figure our where that Godzilla fella wants to invade in his upcoming sequel...Oh wait, that's Warner Bros. -- Sony had that taken from them too.
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