This Guy Named Sony? He’s a Hack – Part 4: The North Korean Hackers

Alright, people. let's take a step back:

Considering how many e-mails about what an intolerable boob Adam Sandler is, perhaps the FBI and everyone else is misconstruing the whole point behind this Sony hack. 

Granted, we're all in awe of this. I mean, is it possible we all somehow underestimated how much of an intolerable boob Adam Sandler is?

Perhaps. But if the hackers are calling themselves the GOP, writing in broken English and broken Korean, asking for money, and also asking that "The Interview" not be released, isn't it possible there's more here than meets the eye?

Think about it, there's an even bigger group that does not want "The Interview" released: they're called critics.

Not only would they have to sit through another half-assed Seth Rogan/James Franco flick that's only funny after a coupla hits off the Scooby-Doo bong, but then they'd have to spend another hour writing the review. 

And if that's not enough, upon posting the inevitable mostly negative review, they'd have to then read the comments from the Rogan fans. You know the "Rogan's totaly 'dope' u 
compleat asshat!" and "Screw you, this movies funny. Your an idoit!" 

Yeah.

Welp. I decided to get the crack Z!TV tech team on the case. We traced the hack, read the code, checked the pings, measured the bandwidth, and got off to some Japanese bukkake. And when all was said and done, we found what we were looking for...

WE HACKED THE SONY HACKERS!

Yes, we're pretty sure the guys who helped the North Korean government get their biggest win since Dennis Rodman admitted his love for them are located right here in the U.S. And not just here in the U.S. but right outside Sony studio's home in Culver City! (Because, seriously, no one wants to fucking live inside Culver City...)

Here's the conversation we found in its entirety!...It allll began in 2013...


Tim: Hey, so I saw After Earth this wknd.

Christopher: How'd that hapen? 
Tim: My mom made me see it with her.

Christopher: Why?

Tim: She loves Will Smith.

Christopher: Oh.
  
  ... Why?

Tim: I don't knwo.

Christopher: Was it as bad as every single critic on the Earth has said? Was it the complete waste of time, space, money, energy, and fossil fuels one would expect based on the trailer?

Tim: Somehow it was worse.

Christopher: "Somehow"? You DID say Will Smith is in it, right?

Tim: The movie was terrible. It was one of the worst films I've ever seen. I atually committed suicide half-way thru it, but Lord Buddha felt I should not yet leave my mother and forced me back to endure the rest of it. So I'm thinking of killing M. Night Shymalalan...and Will Smith.

Christopher: Woh, woh...AFTER EARTH WAS AN M. NIGHT MOVIE?!!?!? 

Tim: Yeah. The most interesting thing M. Night Shamalonian's brain has produced since Sixth Sense was, I dunno, serotonin maybe. 

  And I think Sony was trying to keep it secret he was on it.
 
Christopher: Those basterds!
 
Tim: Yeah! Wot a load of pube-lickers!
 
Christopher: Why's your mom such a big Will Smith fan? Did he boink her?
 
Tim: No, you muntjac, she grew up watching his movies. So she likes to see anything he's in.
 
Christopher: What's her favorite ?
 
Tim: Her favorite Will Smith film?
 
Christopher: Yeah.
 
Tim: I'm not 100% sure, but I think she once said it's White Men Can't Jump.
 
Christopher: What?
 
Tim: Yeah, it's either White Men Can't Jump or that Wong Foo movie.
 
Christopher: AHAHAHHAHA -- idiot!
 
Tim: ??
 
Christopher: That's Wesley Snipes! Your mom likes Wesley Snipes!! Not Will Smith!!
 
Tim: What the fuck. Hold on...
 
Christopher: Your mom's stupid!
 
Tim: GODDAMN IT! I just Goggled it. You're right. So I fuckin sat though that horrid After Earth heap of cold dung for NOTHING! A movie which made me reconsider having children b/c I wouldn't them to accidentally suffer my fate should they be up at 2am some night accidentally watching the Flix channel.
 
Christopher: Sony sucks.
 
Tim: They totally suck. I'm going to get even with them for this. I vow it!
 
Christopher: You gonna go all Blade 2 on their asses.

Tim ...fuck you, Chris...fuck you.

Christopher: Don't blame me for this...After Earth isn't my fault.

Tim: Well, I can blame Will Smith. Although he's already been punished. Jaden seems to be a total d-bag.

Screen Cap of the Original Hacker E-mails

Christopher: Maybe Will'll be forced to be in a superhero movie by DC.

Tim: AUGGH! No. Full blame lays upon Sony.

Christopher: SONY MUST GO DOWN!

Tim: Yes...yes, they must.

And there you have it! The real story. And it's far more realistic than thinking for even a second that anyone in North Korea has the capabilities of hacking a major U.S. corporation like Sony. Which is really a Japanese corporation. Which, come to think of it, would be really stupid -- I mean, they're RIGHT NEXT DOOR!

Perhaps the next move is to figure our where that Godzilla fella wants to invade in his upcoming sequel...Oh wait, that's Warner Bros. -- Sony had that taken from them too.

This Guy Named Sony? He’s a Hack – Part 3 – Shonda Rhimes

If you think the Sony e-mails were bad, wait 'til you see what I uncovered.

 

Myself and the Z!TV team went to work, trying to do what the FBI has not -- namely, gone after Shonda Rhimes.

 

The hackers were an easy target (see next post, coming soon!) so we went after someone who may have possibly perhaps overreacted to the Sony e-mails (click for the explanation — no bitching allowed if you don't).

 

Rhimes' reaction to a leaked convo (wherein the white Hollywood moguls-cum-no-guls poked fun at Obama for, essentially, being black) between Sony's Amy Pascal and Executive Hosebag Scott Rudin, p.g.a., was exactly what Daily Mail and Vulture hoped to create:

 

Calling Sony comments"racially insensitive remarks" instead of "racist"? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don't make it a sundae. — shonda rhimes (@shondarhimes) December 11, 2014

 

The lemmings went for it. I feel otherwise about the e-mail exchange.

 

Certain that Shonda — the creator of TV series Scandal and Grey's Anatomy and also a black woman — doesn't see race and would never ever purposefully and calculatedly create a series where people of all colors of the rainbow are friends and lovers and in which strong-on-the-outside-but-destroyed-on-the-inside black women are the leads, we thought perhaps we could dig up something in her e-mail exchanges.

 

Here's what we found:

 

We start with the most scandalous! Rhimes finally drops the public façade!

We not only learn how Shonda helps Scandal star Washington keep her incredible good looks, but we now get some insight into how Grey’s Anatomy’s own McDreamy, Patrick Dempsey, is able to give us the incredible performances we see from him week after week after week…

The next occurred early on in the production/casting process of the Scandal series pilot. Shonda's all "bidness" this time...but for good reason (looks like she'd picked up a possible stalker):

 

This exchange from 2012, between ABC exec Paul Lee and Rhimes, is utterly shocking. We learn a hard truth about Rhimes’ loyalties…

 

Now, about those hackers...not to worry...we've got their e-mail conversation coming up. You'll be shocked and dismayed. Especially if your name is Will Smith. Turns out, this is all his fault.

 

-30-

This Guy Named Sony? He’s A Hack

The news is everywhere. Sony was hacked!

 

And before Amy Pascal leaves Sony “for personal reasons,” we wanted to launch a couple of hacks of our own!

 

So the massive Z!TV cyber tech crew went to work!

First, we went after Kevin Hart!

 

That’s right. Because Hollywood and whiners continue crying over the conversation where Hart, a whore, was accidentally called an “actor” in an e-mail from Sony’s Clint Culpepper, we felt it important to look into the actor’s exchanges with people on his team about Sony executives.

 

To give a little bit of context, Kevin Hart is no more nor less a whore than any other actor. Actors all make their living by whoring themselves out for money. When Hart was holding social media promotions hostage from Culpepper, the exec who leads a Sony group called “Screen Gems” (producing such gems as the movies “Burlesque,” “Country Strong,” and “Thinking Like A Man Again: Electric Boogaloo”), the exec got angry.

Kevin Hart Reacts to His Makeup Test For Another
"Think Like A Man" Sequel

 

For those not in the film industry, “angry” is the normal state of being for a film producer or executive.

 

Here’s what we found in our Hart attack:

HART: Hey, I hear  that d-bag called me a whore?

MANAGER: Which d-bag?

HART: The one that got hacked.

MANAGER: You are a whore.

HART: That’s offensive.

MANAGER: Why?

HART: Cuz he called me a whore!

MANAGER: You ARE a whore!

HART: I ain’t no whore, bitch! I do stand up at anyplace that’ll pay my price, and I now comand [sic] top doller [sic] for movies after having to do crap Scary Movies, and now I’m all up in them sequels like Think Like A Man 3 and Space Jam 2!!

MANAGER: Right. Whore.

HART: …

HART: Shit.

MANAGER: Hey, Sony’s remaking Tootsie w/Kevin James. You want in?

HART: $$?

MANAGER: 2.5 – best friend/roommate

HART: days on set?

MANAGER: 15

HART: Make it 10, no wkends. Done.

MANAGER: right.

 

Z!TV also hacked Sony. No, no, not the original hack you’ve read about. We wanted to find new information, things the hack did not uncover. You know, actual news.

 

So what constitutes news?

 

Reporting that Scott Rudin is a dick is not news. Scott Rudin’s been a dick for years. The ’90s film Swimming With Sharks is based on working for Rudin:

(Rudin has reportedly mellowed. To vent his anger, he no longer beats on underlings. He now goes to yoga classes, meditates, and prefers to even lead classes, where, while people are in downward facing dog pose, he punt-kicks them in the groin. Oh, and FYI: people in NYC pay prime dollar for this — seriously, that dude can make a buck off of anything.)

 

Come back to see what our Sony Hack found!