This Guy Named Sony? He’s a Hack – Part 4: The North Korean Hackers

Alright, people. let's take a step back:

Considering how many e-mails about what an intolerable boob Adam Sandler is, perhaps the FBI and everyone else is misconstruing the whole point behind this Sony hack. 

Granted, we're all in awe of this. I mean, is it possible we all somehow underestimated how much of an intolerable boob Adam Sandler is?

Perhaps. But if the hackers are calling themselves the GOP, writing in broken English and broken Korean, asking for money, and also asking that "The Interview" not be released, isn't it possible there's more here than meets the eye?

Think about it, there's an even bigger group that does not want "The Interview" released: they're called critics.

Not only would they have to sit through another half-assed Seth Rogan/James Franco flick that's only funny after a coupla hits off the Scooby-Doo bong, but then they'd have to spend another hour writing the review. 

And if that's not enough, upon posting the inevitable mostly negative review, they'd have to then read the comments from the Rogan fans. You know the "Rogan's totaly 'dope' u 
compleat asshat!" and "Screw you, this movies funny. Your an idoit!" 

Yeah.

Welp. I decided to get the crack Z!TV tech team on the case. We traced the hack, read the code, checked the pings, measured the bandwidth, and got off to some Japanese bukkake. And when all was said and done, we found what we were looking for...

WE HACKED THE SONY HACKERS!

Yes, we're pretty sure the guys who helped the North Korean government get their biggest win since Dennis Rodman admitted his love for them are located right here in the U.S. And not just here in the U.S. but right outside Sony studio's home in Culver City! (Because, seriously, no one wants to fucking live inside Culver City...)

Here's the conversation we found in its entirety!...It allll began in 2013...


Tim: Hey, so I saw After Earth this wknd.

Christopher: How'd that hapen? 
Tim: My mom made me see it with her.

Christopher: Why?

Tim: She loves Will Smith.

Christopher: Oh.
  
  ... Why?

Tim: I don't knwo.

Christopher: Was it as bad as every single critic on the Earth has said? Was it the complete waste of time, space, money, energy, and fossil fuels one would expect based on the trailer?

Tim: Somehow it was worse.

Christopher: "Somehow"? You DID say Will Smith is in it, right?

Tim: The movie was terrible. It was one of the worst films I've ever seen. I atually committed suicide half-way thru it, but Lord Buddha felt I should not yet leave my mother and forced me back to endure the rest of it. So I'm thinking of killing M. Night Shymalalan...and Will Smith.

Christopher: Woh, woh...AFTER EARTH WAS AN M. NIGHT MOVIE?!!?!? 

Tim: Yeah. The most interesting thing M. Night Shamalonian's brain has produced since Sixth Sense was, I dunno, serotonin maybe. 

  And I think Sony was trying to keep it secret he was on it.
 
Christopher: Those basterds!
 
Tim: Yeah! Wot a load of pube-lickers!
 
Christopher: Why's your mom such a big Will Smith fan? Did he boink her?
 
Tim: No, you muntjac, she grew up watching his movies. So she likes to see anything he's in.
 
Christopher: What's her favorite ?
 
Tim: Her favorite Will Smith film?
 
Christopher: Yeah.
 
Tim: I'm not 100% sure, but I think she once said it's White Men Can't Jump.
 
Christopher: What?
 
Tim: Yeah, it's either White Men Can't Jump or that Wong Foo movie.
 
Christopher: AHAHAHHAHA -- idiot!
 
Tim: ??
 
Christopher: That's Wesley Snipes! Your mom likes Wesley Snipes!! Not Will Smith!!
 
Tim: What the fuck. Hold on...
 
Christopher: Your mom's stupid!
 
Tim: GODDAMN IT! I just Goggled it. You're right. So I fuckin sat though that horrid After Earth heap of cold dung for NOTHING! A movie which made me reconsider having children b/c I wouldn't them to accidentally suffer my fate should they be up at 2am some night accidentally watching the Flix channel.
 
Christopher: Sony sucks.
 
Tim: They totally suck. I'm going to get even with them for this. I vow it!
 
Christopher: You gonna go all Blade 2 on their asses.

Tim ...fuck you, Chris...fuck you.

Christopher: Don't blame me for this...After Earth isn't my fault.

Tim: Well, I can blame Will Smith. Although he's already been punished. Jaden seems to be a total d-bag.

Screen Cap of the Original Hacker E-mails

Christopher: Maybe Will'll be forced to be in a superhero movie by DC.

Tim: AUGGH! No. Full blame lays upon Sony.

Christopher: SONY MUST GO DOWN!

Tim: Yes...yes, they must.

And there you have it! The real story. And it's far more realistic than thinking for even a second that anyone in North Korea has the capabilities of hacking a major U.S. corporation like Sony. Which is really a Japanese corporation. Which, come to think of it, would be really stupid -- I mean, they're RIGHT NEXT DOOR!

Perhaps the next move is to figure our where that Godzilla fella wants to invade in his upcoming sequel...Oh wait, that's Warner Bros. -- Sony had that taken from them too.

This Guy Named Sony? He’s a Hack – Part 3 – Shonda Rhimes

If you think the Sony e-mails were bad, wait 'til you see what I uncovered.

 

Myself and the Z!TV team went to work, trying to do what the FBI has not -- namely, gone after Shonda Rhimes.

 

The hackers were an easy target (see next post, coming soon!) so we went after someone who may have possibly perhaps overreacted to the Sony e-mails (click for the explanation — no bitching allowed if you don't).

 

Rhimes' reaction to a leaked convo (wherein the white Hollywood moguls-cum-no-guls poked fun at Obama for, essentially, being black) between Sony's Amy Pascal and Executive Hosebag Scott Rudin, p.g.a., was exactly what Daily Mail and Vulture hoped to create:

 

Calling Sony comments"racially insensitive remarks" instead of "racist"? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don't make it a sundae. — shonda rhimes (@shondarhimes) December 11, 2014

 

The lemmings went for it. I feel otherwise about the e-mail exchange.

 

Certain that Shonda — the creator of TV series Scandal and Grey's Anatomy and also a black woman — doesn't see race and would never ever purposefully and calculatedly create a series where people of all colors of the rainbow are friends and lovers and in which strong-on-the-outside-but-destroyed-on-the-inside black women are the leads, we thought perhaps we could dig up something in her e-mail exchanges.

 

Here's what we found:

 

We start with the most scandalous! Rhimes finally drops the public façade!

We not only learn how Shonda helps Scandal star Washington keep her incredible good looks, but we now get some insight into how Grey’s Anatomy’s own McDreamy, Patrick Dempsey, is able to give us the incredible performances we see from him week after week after week…

The next occurred early on in the production/casting process of the Scandal series pilot. Shonda's all "bidness" this time...but for good reason (looks like she'd picked up a possible stalker):

 

This exchange from 2012, between ABC exec Paul Lee and Rhimes, is utterly shocking. We learn a hard truth about Rhimes’ loyalties…

 

Now, about those hackers...not to worry...we've got their e-mail conversation coming up. You'll be shocked and dismayed. Especially if your name is Will Smith. Turns out, this is all his fault.

 

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This Guy Named Sony? He’s A Hack – Part 2

OK, I’m admitting it: Z!TV (this blog) hacked Sony.

 

I wanted to find new information, things the Big Hack did not uncover. You know, actual news.

 

You see, here’s the thing, the way Variety and MSNBC have, just like the tabloid sites, reveled in revealing all this “news,” someone needs to make it clear: There’s very little actual news in the Sony hack.

 

"Reporting" that people of one race make insensitive jokes about someone of another race when nobody outside their circle is looking, is not news. It’s shitty, yes, but it’s not news.

 

Black people joke about how white people are all uptight and like to watch New Girl and need to have their dressing on the side and came this close to making Cuba Gooding, Jr. a big star.

 

Cuba Gooding Jr. Tries in Vein to Protect Himself From The Virus
Which Killed Marisa Tomei's Career

White people joke about how black people are all “big ass” this and “phat ass” that and eat too much fast food and came this close to making Terrence Howard a big star. (That’s actually not true. White people say, “Terrence who?” And then go, “Oh, I never saw that movie.”)

 

Asians joke about stupid white children.

 

The Cherokee make fun of the Kiowa.

 

The Hindi-speakers make fun of those speaking Urdu.

 

Klingons hate on the Romulans.

 

Marvels make fun of DCs.

 

Cats laugh at dogs.

 

It’s human nature. And, yeah, it’s upsetting, it can twist your insides.

 

But so can Taco Bell, and yet we still go and get it every now and again. Why? Because the ease of having spent 5 bucks for more food than a child in Detroit will see in a year is just too good to pass up. (Seriously…can someone freakin’ help out Detroit?!)

 

We’ll get back to bashing Variety and MSNBC below, but, keep in mind, the part of this hack scandal that is news? It’s that these people who make a million-plus a year weren’t smart enough to have the sorts of convos they were having through their office e-mails through their personal e-mail instead.

 

If you’re going to talk shit about someone, take it offline, people!

 

The author of this post was once having a secret relationship with a supervisor of his (secret because that was frowned upon). Sending e-mails which read “I’m thinking about suckling the underside of your left breast” might very well set off a few alarms. As such, a typical exchange, on the office e-mail servers, went more like this:

 

Guy: Hey, I have a package for you at my cubicle.

Girl Boss: You do? What kind of package?

Guy: A big package. I just found it here, under my desk.

People with Packages are Bad

Girl Boss: Oh. Under your desk, huh? That’s an odd place.

Guy: Yeah. And…wait. Hold on. I think the package is getting…bigger.

Girl Boss: Really? That’s weird. How’d it get bigger?

Guy: I don’t know, but you better come over here, it’s not going to fit under the desk much longer.

Girl Boss: In that case, could you please bring it to my office? It’s just about lunch time, and I’d like to get to this package before I feel all filled up.

Guy: Be right there!

 

See? How hard is that? (Which, of course, makes me think of another exchange…)

 

Scouring the info of the Sony hack, we did uncover some actual news. Here are the top 3 pieces on newsworthy tidbits from the Sony hack!

 

1. Nobody is Safe from the Attacks of Sony Pictures President Doug Belgrad

 

While the country is still reeling from — and crowds of protestors continue to march against — the many attacks of Billy Cosby, it looks like Sony Pictures Prexy Doug Belgrad has skirted under the radar.

 

Our hack revealed Belgrad personally fingered every single employee
lunch. That’s right, whether it’s yogurt, a sandwich, or leftover Thai food from a failed first date the night before last, Belgrad takes a bite out of every single lunch in the break room.

 

2. Sony refuses to hire trained marmosets.

 

In an e-mail exchange between the HR department and a marmoset applying for a position in accounting, the HR rep wrote as follows: 

 

Dear Stanley [the Marmoset]:

We thank you for your interest, but Sony is unable to offer you a position at this time.

While we do not wish to cast aspersions on those from the animal kingdom, we have discovered, as a result of past partnerships with Kevin James, we are just not equipped to employ a marmoset. Also, you’re a marmoset.

Sincerely,
Sony Pictures HR

 

 3. Even the biggest websites have no idea what part of all this is news:

 

Adam Howard, over at MSNBC’s site, somehow misinterpreted George Clooney’s not-so-subtle reference to the U.S. government’s citizen-spying program as a “prediction” of the hack:

 

Clooney wrote Pascal, “I’m so excited to do this film, and
for those of you listening in … I’m the son of a news man.”

 

Variety so-very-happily pointed out in its hack headline (that’s a double entendre there, folks!) that Scott Rudin is apparently “nasty” and “insulting.” Um, guys at Variety? Because we enjoy harping on this, we’d again like to point out: This has NOT BEEN NEWS FOR 20 YEARS!:

 

CLICK TO READ: SCOTT RUDIN IS A TOTAL DICK - Spy Magazine, Dec. 1996:  

 

 This is apparently Scott Rudin:

 

 And this is apparently Scott Rudin:

 

So, in sum, this tidbit of information hasn’t been news since Frank Whaley was someone people wanted starring in movies.

 

In our next post, you’ll see what our other hack revealed. Yes, we know who’s behind it, and we hacked the hackers!...And Shonda Rhimes!

 

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