This Guy Named Sony? He’s A Hack

The news is everywhere. Sony was hacked!

 

And before Amy Pascal leaves Sony “for personal reasons,” we wanted to launch a couple of hacks of our own!

 

So the massive Z!TV cyber tech crew went to work!

First, we went after Kevin Hart!

 

That’s right. Because Hollywood and whiners continue crying over the conversation where Hart, a whore, was accidentally called an “actor” in an e-mail from Sony’s Clint Culpepper, we felt it important to look into the actor’s exchanges with people on his team about Sony executives.

 

To give a little bit of context, Kevin Hart is no more nor less a whore than any other actor. Actors all make their living by whoring themselves out for money. When Hart was holding social media promotions hostage from Culpepper, the exec who leads a Sony group called “Screen Gems” (producing such gems as the movies “Burlesque,” “Country Strong,” and “Thinking Like A Man Again: Electric Boogaloo”), the exec got angry.

Kevin Hart Reacts to His Makeup Test For Another
"Think Like A Man" Sequel

 

For those not in the film industry, “angry” is the normal state of being for a film producer or executive.

 

Here’s what we found in our Hart attack:

HART: Hey, I hear  that d-bag called me a whore?

MANAGER: Which d-bag?

HART: The one that got hacked.

MANAGER: You are a whore.

HART: That’s offensive.

MANAGER: Why?

HART: Cuz he called me a whore!

MANAGER: You ARE a whore!

HART: I ain’t no whore, bitch! I do stand up at anyplace that’ll pay my price, and I now comand [sic] top doller [sic] for movies after having to do crap Scary Movies, and now I’m all up in them sequels like Think Like A Man 3 and Space Jam 2!!

MANAGER: Right. Whore.

HART: …

HART: Shit.

MANAGER: Hey, Sony’s remaking Tootsie w/Kevin James. You want in?

HART: $$?

MANAGER: 2.5 – best friend/roommate

HART: days on set?

MANAGER: 15

HART: Make it 10, no wkends. Done.

MANAGER: right.

 

Z!TV also hacked Sony. No, no, not the original hack you’ve read about. We wanted to find new information, things the hack did not uncover. You know, actual news.

 

So what constitutes news?

 

Reporting that Scott Rudin is a dick is not news. Scott Rudin’s been a dick for years. The ’90s film Swimming With Sharks is based on working for Rudin:

(Rudin has reportedly mellowed. To vent his anger, he no longer beats on underlings. He now goes to yoga classes, meditates, and prefers to even lead classes, where, while people are in downward facing dog pose, he punt-kicks them in the groin. Oh, and FYI: people in NYC pay prime dollar for this — seriously, that dude can make a buck off of anything.)

 

Come back to see what our Sony Hack found!