HBO's Lena Dunham Regrets Using Sexual Predator

 

Judd Apatow lap dog and star of HBO's children's series, Girls (What? It's called "Girls," it must be for kids!), Lena Dunham came under the second-least necessary fire on Twitter recently for her pre-adolescent sexual ineptitude.

Dunham, clearly a white, female CeeLo Green-like predator, first defended herself on Twitter, then released a more formal statement to the website of magazine Time, thus ensuring extra clicks to — and plenty of extra attention and online mentions of — a site owned by the parent company of HBO.

The purely political move served its purpose: Today on Twitter, everyone is talking about the just-announced sequel Toy Story 4 (admittedly, alleged sexual predatory actions will and always should be overshadowed by Pixar movie announcements).

Dunham's statement to Time is below. It's very possible, even likely, we made a host of changes to it...

I am dismayed over the recent interpretation of events described in my book "Not That Kind of Girl: But One Slightly More Icky."

First and foremost, I want to be very clear that I do not condone any kind of abuse under any circumstances. Not even if it's one of those "Real Housewives" people — who could use a swift kick in the ass for sure.

Childhood sexual abuse is a life-shattering event for so many, and I have been vocal about the rights of survivors. ... I am also aware that the comic use of the term “sexual predator” was insensitive, and I’m sorry for that as well. But, come on, when a 28-year-old woman makes a comment about being a 7-year-old sexual predator, that's totally funny, right? It's like the kind of funny where you don't really laugh, but you sort of quietly chortle, because there's absolutely no way that I was a predator at the age of seven, unless of course I was horribly twisted by my hippie parents in ways only the Manson family or Art Garfunkel could understand.

Keep in mind of course that, at the age of 28, my frontal lobe may still not be fully developed; I've always developed more slowly than my contemporaries (see: any interview with Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Watson, then watch me. It's sad, really.). I'm also only just now taking writing courses for the first time. As is the editor of my book, who really should have marked that passage. Like, seriously, right?!

As for my sibling, Grace, she is my best friend, and anything I have written about her has been published with her approval. Come next week, I'll be snipping off the zip ties around her wrists and ankles and giving her to the count of 100 to get as far away as she can. She'll have access to Twitter.

Yeah. That should clear it all up. Z!TV is glad to have done its part in support of Dunham (who, in all seriousness, we really do support on this...even tho' you couldn't make us watch her series Girls, not even if we were threatened and told we'd have to read Dunham's book).

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Image used for parody purposes. Credit: New York Magazine

Lena Dunham Secures 'Girls' -- It's a Scandal!

Lena Dunham stunned the Internet this week when she admitted to being a child and, while being a child, did strange, even stupid, things.

Dunham at her MOST offensive

Dunham apparently admits in her recently published memoir that she, like many children, was curious about all them parts we boys and girls have. Dunham, wondering a bit about the girl parts, at the randy age of 7, apparently took a moment to sneak a peek at her baby sister when mom wasn't looking. According to Dunham's book, the HBO star "spread open [the baby's] vagina."

Awkward and a little creepy, no doubt. But, at 7, this kind of curiosity is normal, and the expression of it almost never is.

Sexually repressed, and apparently very jealous writer, Kevin Williamson was the person who called Dunham out as a sexual offender in an article which starts off by implying Dunham shouldn't be trusted because she grew up in a very expensive home in New York City.

Keep in mind, of course, this is a man with some serious, some really, really serious anger issues.

Adults around the world who pretended that they've never had awkward sexual (pre-)adolescent situations (the kind which coined the phrase "You show me yours, I'll show you mine" and are depicted in "Free to Be You And Me"...by babies) were offended.

In defense of the accusers, Dunham went on to say she, later on in life, would bribe her little sis with three pieces of candy if she would allow her to "kiss her on the lips for five seconds." Her apparently tone deaf editor, forgetting that she was editing the words of a 28-year-old who, like most, can't think beyond the now, allowed Ms. Dunham to then explain that she was doing "anything a sexual predator might do to woo a small suburban girl."

So, yeah, this started a Twitter shit-storm in Lena Dunham's general direction. A shit-storm of accusers, victims, activists, and also a few people who wanted to know if she was that character "Seven," the little blonde boy who popped up in a few annoying episodes of Married with Children.

Dunham explained, in a simple Twitter reply, that the accusations are "really fucking ... disgusting."

But what's most telling is that the first place Lena turned to the next day to make a statement was Time magazine — owned by the same company which owns HBO, the home of Dunham's overrated series, Girls.

Sounds like there may have been a conversation which had to do with securing Dunham's HBO show for the future. You can read the Time magazine statement here. Or you can read our completely phony summary, coming tomorrow.

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Image used for parody purposes.