Entertainment News for 6/17/2016 - Time To Catch Your Zs!

Orange is the New Black, Rick Gervais, a Wicked announcement and more. Sit back and Catch Your Zs, because it's Z!TV -- the last thing you need to know.


Ricky Gervais has announced he’s officially run out of ideas as the new trailer for his The Office spin-off hits the web. Meanwhile, Netflix, in a $10M deal, has agreed to purchase and air Gervais' excrement (aka, the new David Brent series, alluded to above).

11 million excited Netflix fans have renewed their subscriptions based solely on the news of the availability of Gervais' waste. However, 7 million have contacted Netflix asking, "Didn't we already see Ricky's Hershey squirts under the name 'Special Correspondents'?"

The news that’s breaking the Internet the last couple of days – Taylor Swift was seen kissing Marvel’s Loki, Tom Hiddleston. And, more recently, taking off for parts unknown in Swift's private jet, according to TMZ.

Entertainment Tonight says Swift and Hiddleston "hit it off" and were getting "hot and heavy." Entertainment Weekly said the two were "cuddling up." I see it as: The canoodling couple was caught carrying on while copping a feel on scores of occasions with no care nor concern for Calvin. 

Calvin being Calvin Harris. Swift’s fairly recent ex who has tweeted -- about 46 times in the last 24 hours – details of a Rihanna video dropping today in which he did something or other (nobody's watching it for him). If you're wondering what Calvin Harris does for a living, don't sweat it. His parents are wondering the same thing.

In other news, Universal Studios has announced a deal to bring the hit musical Wicked to the big screen. No announcement on the cast, because we’re pretty sure Hollywood has determined original Broadway stars Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel too old and/or not "leading lady material." To which we say, fuck, Hollywood, seriously? Still with this tired, old argument? 

Our predictions: Pitch Perfect Co-Stars Anna Kendrick as The Wicked Witch and Rebel Wilson as The Good Witch. 

Alternatively: Jennifer Lawrence as The Wicked Witch and, very possibly, as The Good Witch, Jennifer Lawrence. ...I'm hanging my head in shame...(because I'm probably right).
 

Orange is the New Black Season 4 premieres today on Netflix. The Hollywood Reporter has printed a binge-watching guide for ideas on how to marathon-view this season. 

We'd like to offer the following tip for those who plan on catching up: 

Watch seasons 1 and 2 and then, in lieu of season 3, rewatch seasons 1 and 2...which is pretty much what the writers of season 3 did. Minus the American Pie dude. (No, really, the dude from American Pie is in this show about women in prison. Isn't that crazy? There he was, with his schvantz in an apple pie and, years later, he's in a drama about losing his GF to the prison system. Well, you know, until they wrote him out of the show, presumably to cut costs. With a pedigree like American Pie, American Pie 2, and American Reunion, you probably don't come cheap to Netflix. Just ask Ricky Gervais' poopy-doos.)

In legal news, Z!TV would like to formally apologize for the poop jokes. Sorry, mom. I won't do it again. 

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Orlando - Is it Funny When Life's Not Funny?

Z!TV is an entertainment blog. I don’t cover hard news. When the news is too hard, I like things that are easy.

It's why I always bought the Cliff's Notes in junior high and high school (I may love reading, but I’m a concubine to procrastination).

There is nothing good about the tragedy in Orlando. It's exactly because of that that people look for the good – the survivors, the heroism, the givers, the rallyers, and the community that's brought together.

I, however, have a habit of looking at what's wrong in a situation.  Which brings me to:

What has happened in Orlando is just the beginning. Our leadership is weak and ineffective. I called it and asked for the ban. Must be tough

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 12, 2016

"He called it and asked for a ban"? He called that a guy born here and living here for 29 years would freak out in Orlando? Well, why the aych-e-double hockey sticks didn't he tell anybody? Re: "the ban." Apparently Donald's "ban" means jumping into a DeLorean with the Doc and traveling back to a time when the world was laughing with the cast of Mr. Belvedere. Well, OK, they were watching Mr. Belvedere…and the Orlando killer was born in NYC.

On Facebook he posted: "...Hillary Clinton – for months and despite so many attacks – repeatedly refused to even say the words 'radical Islam,' until I challenged her yesterday to say the words or leave the race."

He's right. This is true. But the reason the President and Secretary Clinton have tried to avoid the phrase is because the people of our occasionally great nation conflate all Muslims with radical Islamists. The merits of this can be debated until we're all orange-basketball-color in the face, but I do side with Trump on thi

j~;m\3$dQbl_eu_oK#hZYb9bQYVG*@P8(v~&.ZJL+]+z-d-d-d-d-d-..  .. . .

Sorry for that odd interruption. Upon realizing I was agreeing with Donald, I tossed myself out a window and, after receiving multiple cuts and abrasions, was having some tendon issues in my hand. It's OK. I got me $ome Obamacare (ahem)...

Donald the Dud also wrote: "Hillary Clinton…[plans] to disarm law-abiding Americans, abolishing the 2nd amendment, and leaving only the bad guys and terrorists with guns."

Nope. Just assault rifles. The idea is to just slow down terrorists to shooting only, like, 9 or 10 people every 12 seconds. This does seem like a…I guess the word would be "reasonable" request in theory. I do not portend to be a constitutional scholar, so perhaps there's a line in it, or within an amendment, which reads "And lo' shall all be free to splay bodies upon the ground at an approximation to four-ty and of up to fif-ty per minute."

Yes, I would never want  to pretend I know of things of which I do not...

Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism, I don't want congrats, I want toughness & vigilance. We must be smart!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 12, 2016

Donald, like any self-effacing gentlemanly scholar of tact and aplomb was so shy about being "right," that he tweeted about it within hours of the shooting. Within hours.

And was wrong as it turns out.

The L.A. Times was the first to report that the shooter – yes, a very religious Muslim and a radical (but not radicalized by Isil) – was actually a semi-regular visitor to the gay club he attacked. He also had a gay meetup app on his phone. He even called his father a few months ago to complain about seeing gay men kissing on the street – sure, some people are uncomfy with that, but to call your pop?  

All of that calling and complaining sounds to me like someone was hoping for some sign of approval from dearest Dad. And a person with that much self-hate is bound to explode. By that reckoning, I'm fairly certain this means Donald is just about ready to implode. It's pretty rare to see something implode. The closest I’ve ever come to that was watching my kitty daintily eat her own throw-up.

Speaking of throw-up, Donald said the following in a speech given on June 14…I've inserted, in italics, what he should have said but didn't.

"The bottom line is that the only reason the killer was in America in the first place was because we allowed his family to come here more than 30 years ago, at which time I was working very closely with the NYC Mafia to ensure that my buildings were being built almost 80% up to code. Or, like, at least half that.

"We have a dysfunctional immigration system which does not permit us to know who we let into our country, and it does not permit us to protect our citizens. I'm excluding the current vetting process we do for Syrian immigrants, which can take as many as 40 months and requires interviews with no less than 9 different intelligence groups – including domestic and foreign. Um…I'm not even sure what half these words mean. I don't own a dictionary, I don't want a dictionary, and I am building a wall. I am building a wall. Yes, I am building...a...wall. Out of dictionaries.

"I called for a ban after San Bernardino, and was met with great scorn and anger but now, many are saying I was right to do so -- and although the pause is temporary, we must find out what is going on, because, honestly, I don't know. I mean, come on, folks, unless the news is showing my face, I don't watch it. Why do you think I sit here in my tub with my milk of magnesia and bath salt mixture and call all the news networks? Anyway, back to the point: I have no idea what's going on around the world. And I delight in proving this to people who have even less of an idea than me. It makes me happy. And it might even put me in the White House. Baba Booey!"

--

More to read:
Time magazine details the Syrian refugee screening process:
http://time.com/4116619/syrian-refugees-screening-process/

Donald Trump's June 14 speech on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DonaldTrump/posts/10157163861635725:0

Donald Trump's Politifact page:

Click Me!

Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp -- The Big Question

The big question this week is if Amber Heard is lying about her abuse by Johnny Depp. So while I carefully navigate around pitfalls big enough to swallow 2014 Melissa McCarthy, I will attempt to be as funny as 2011 Melissa McCarthy.

The Hollywood Reporter and TMZ both posited that Heard’s accusations tanked Disney’s second go at a live-action Alice in Wonderland adventure.

Yes, no doubt it was the fault of the despicable bruise-faced actress. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the overproduced, underdeveloped, over-hyped, underwritten piece of aborted Tim Burton-adjacent fetal meconium spat like five-hour-old gum at an underzealous audience (that just binged on 18 self-declared blockbuster movies in half as many weeks) who just possibly maybe spotted this flailing piece of Cinéma excreté as one of the most shallow and obvious money-grabs Disney has booger-flicked onto the screen since it thought Paul Rudd could convince people a man could fly.

Or be the size of a fly.

Or whatever.

Nope. It was Amber Heard’s fault.

That all said, it seems that Amber, after her lawyer defiantly stated Ms. Heard would file a police report, has chosen not to do so, because, as TMZ reported, she still loves him and “doesn’t want to bury him.”

Heck, if Dark Shadows and The Lone Ranger couldn’t do it, nobody can.

And speaking of $100M+ blockbummers, let’s look at the recent on-screen life of the multi-faceted actor. And by multifaceted we mean playing the same character over and over again but with different mustaches.

After a few years of these hits missing, it’s very possible that the one hit Depp made was when he threw his phone in sudden frustration. That along with other personal life issues other tabloids have written about surely make Heard's accusations plausible.

Also, it's very possible that Depp is just an asshole.

But, after the LAPD cast doubt on Heard‘s story – stating they saw no bruising when they visited the home after a 911 call – she did herself no favors by walking back on the police report.

If what Amber Heard says is true, then she owes it to all of Bill Cosby’s victims to step up. (What? Seriously. Those women got molested by Bill Fucking Cosby! They deserve everyone’s support!) If what she has said was a total falsehood, she should be forced to be in whatever fanciful accidental-farce Depp’s management team and Disney fart out into movie theaters next.

Then again, one might argue we've all been punished enough on that front.

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Cram on ButtHōl, Paste into ScrapBuhk, & Eat it in Mowth. Thank you!

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People Vs. OJ Finale Biggest Surprises

All you regulars out there know it: If Z!TV is one thing, it's completely and totally and always constantly original. That's why we're bringing you...

The David Letterman Late Night-Slash-Late Show Top 10 Biggest Surprises In The People Vs. O.J. Finale:

#10. Marcia Clark And Chris Darden Had A Torrid Affair — With NYPD Star Dennis Franz!

#9. Much Of The O.J. Simpson Series Was Based On A Book By Author Jeffrey Toobin. The Rest Of The Series Was Based On A Limerick By A Man Who Wears A Bag For A Hat.

#8. Cuba Gooding Jr. Still Doesn't Know The Show Is Actually On T.V.

#7. In The Last Episode, John Travolta’s Robert Shapiro And Sarah Paulson's Marcia Clark Break Into A Rousing Rendition Of "We Go Together!"

#6. Kardashian Patriarch Robert Kardashian Secretly Wished He’d Had His Tubes Tied Several Years Prior.

#5. Only 12% Of Americans Today Do Not Believe O.J. Did It. However, A Full 96% Of Americans Do Not Know If They Have The F/X Channel.

#4. Marcia Clark's First New Hairstyle During the Trial Was Actually "The Rachel."

#3. Mark Fuhrman Is Now An Advisor For Donald Trump.

#2. John Travolta's Makeup Was Done By The Guys Who Did Hellboy...

And the #1 David Letterman Late Night-Slash-Late Show Biggest Surprise In The People Vs. O.J. Finale:

The Producers Almost Forgot — The People In This Story Are Real.

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North West -- His Name's a Punchline and His Dad's a Joke...Again

Hollywood Life Is reporting that there’s a report that it’s reported that some insider inside has inside information that Kim has a secret she’s kept secret from Kanye.   

Yes, the rag states that the rag the Sun is quoting some unnamed person that other unnamed people are buzzing about the buzz that Kim Kardashian had Kanye West’s baby without Kanye. While that sound you hear is a vein in West’s temple bursting, Hollywood life goes on to explain that Kim K had embryos frozen until Sweeps Month, when she was ready to get pregnant.

Hollywood Life jokes that this is a story for Maury. And, in a follow-up article, wittily states this is a story for Maury. Um, yeah, they made the same lame joke twice. We feel that the lameness of being that lame would be akin to just lamely using nonsense words over and over and over and over and over again and again and again, ultimately saying nothing. 

And Z!TV is  about  above such things. 

Our 2nd-Favorite Kanye Video

Our Favorite Kanye Video

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Katt Williams -- Even Viral, Nobody Cares Who He Is

It's the viral video that just won't stop going viral.

Katt Williams, a black comedian who, along with actor Jeffrey Wright and rapper Nas, is known only to other African Americans, is in trouble yet again. 

While every site from TMZ to the Lehrer News Hour seems to be taking joy in mentioning the troubled (and we just mean his hair) comic (and his "jokes") got whupped by a 7th-grader (which Wikipedia writers have made a 12th-grader), NBC is the only site reporting the kid was 17 years old. 

The viraliest of video shows the elderly teen taunting the five-foot-five comedian before the comic throws a punch. At which point, the poor li'l child, a trained wrestler, takes the "comedian" down -- which is easy since he's already so low to the ground. 

The 7th grader is being charged as an adult. Y'know, because he is one. Katt Williams will be charged as an adult as soon as he starts acting like one.

TMZ Staff Is Still Orgasming Over These Photos

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Photo: TMZ

Used for parody purposes.