The big question this week is if Amber Heard is lying about
her abuse by Johnny Depp. So while I
carefully navigate around pitfalls big enough to swallow 2014 Melissa McCarthy, I will attempt to be as funny as 2011 Melissa McCarthy.
The Hollywood Reporter and TMZ both posited that Heard’s accusations tanked Disney’s second go at a live-action Alice in Wonderland adventure.
Yes, no doubt it was the fault of the despicable bruise-faced actress. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the overproduced, underdeveloped, over-hyped, underwritten piece of aborted Tim Burton-adjacent fetal meconium spat like five-hour-old gum at an underzealous audience (that just binged on 18 self-declared blockbuster movies in half as many weeks) who just possibly maybe spotted this flailing piece of Cinéma excreté as one of the most shallow and obvious money-grabs Disney has booger-flicked onto the screen since it thought Paul Rudd could convince people a man could fly.
The Hollywood Reporter and TMZ both posited that Heard’s accusations tanked Disney’s second go at a live-action Alice in Wonderland adventure.
Yes, no doubt it was the fault of the despicable bruise-faced actress. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the overproduced, underdeveloped, over-hyped, underwritten piece of aborted Tim Burton-adjacent fetal meconium spat like five-hour-old gum at an underzealous audience (that just binged on 18 self-declared blockbuster movies in half as many weeks) who just possibly maybe spotted this flailing piece of Cinéma excreté as one of the most shallow and obvious money-grabs Disney has booger-flicked onto the screen since it thought Paul Rudd could convince people a man could fly.
Or be the size of a fly.
Or whatever.
Nope. It was Amber Heard’s fault.
That all said, it seems that Amber, after her lawyer defiantly stated Ms. Heard would file a police report, has chosen not to do so, because, as TMZ reported, she still loves him and “doesn’t want to bury him.”
Heck, if Dark Shadows and The Lone Ranger couldn’t do it, nobody can.
And speaking of $100M+ blockbummers, let’s look at the recent on-screen life of the multi-faceted actor. And by multifaceted we mean playing the same character over and over again but with different mustaches.
After a few years of these hits missing, it’s very possible that the one hit Depp made was when he threw his phone in sudden frustration. That along with other personal life issues other tabloids have written about surely make Heard's accusations plausible.
Also, it's very possible that Depp is just an asshole.
But, after the LAPD cast doubt on Heard‘s story – stating they saw no bruising when they visited the home after a 911 call – she did herself no favors by walking back on the police report.
If what Amber Heard says is true, then she owes it to all of Bill Cosby’s victims to step up. (What? Seriously. Those women got molested by Bill Fucking Cosby! They deserve everyone’s support!) If what she has said was a total falsehood, she should be forced to be in whatever fanciful accidental-farce Depp’s management team and Disney fart out into movie theaters next.
Then again, one might argue we've all been punished enough on that front.
Also, it's very possible that Depp is just an asshole.
But, after the LAPD cast doubt on Heard‘s story – stating they saw no bruising when they visited the home after a 911 call – she did herself no favors by walking back on the police report.
If what Amber Heard says is true, then she owes it to all of Bill Cosby’s victims to step up. (What? Seriously. Those women got molested by Bill Fucking Cosby! They deserve everyone’s support!) If what she has said was a total falsehood, she should be forced to be in whatever fanciful accidental-farce Depp’s management team and Disney fart out into movie theaters next.
Then again, one might argue we've all been punished enough on that front.
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Cram on ButtHōl, Paste into ScrapBuhk, & Eat it in Mowth. Thank you!
Cram on ButtHōl, Paste into ScrapBuhk, & Eat it in Mowth. Thank you!
