Miranda & Blake Attacked By Sharks -- And We Don't Mean Divorce Lawyers

Country singers Blake Shelton and Miranda Something released the following statement about their recently signed divorce papers: "This is not the future we envisioned ... it is with heavy hearts that we move forward separately. ... [W]e kindly ask for privacy and compassion concerning this very personal matter."

The first to honor this request was Us Weekly which went through their lives with a fined-tooth comb (around which some wax paper was affixed to turn it into some kind of kazoo-like instrument to form the beginnings of a Country jug band) and a bottle of moonshine (see, that's where you get said jugs for said band).

Us not only listed every single pet the couple is expected to split between their two households but they even included pets they apparently don't have (according to their own sources [and besting TMZ in the pet-info category]).

HollywoodLife.com was so respectful, not to mention "heartbroken," over the split, they analyzed every single appearance and Instagram post from the singers that they could gather up. And then, just to prove they were "really sad," asked fans if they "predicted ... [the] divorce." Because nothing shows you care about the feelings of a (former) couple going through strife than an Internet poll that asks how many people predicted the split. Also, a link on the home page to every intrusive, analytical, ball-busting Blake & Miranda article they've posted is another great way in which they show they care.

People magazine's website portends to have proof that Shelton has a sense of humor, using as an example this tweet from his Twitter account: "Just got off the treadmill. This calls for a drink. Bitch..."

The article detailing Shelton's "joke" not only links readers to two more articles (each posted within 24 hours of the first) about the most important divorce in the history of humankind -- and, yes, we're including Sonny & Cher, Don Draper & the young Megan FrenchieLeBleu, and of course Betty & Barney Rubble (the rumored affair with Shmoo was never confirmed) -- but People also links us to bios on both Shelton and petite blonde ex-wife Kristen Chenoweth Kelly Ripa Miranda Lambert as well as their respective Twitter pages and a page which has a video montage of fans' reactions to the couple's split.

Fans were indeed shocked over the announcement. The couple had been together for a staggering amount of time -- four whole years. In entertainment industry conversion, that amounts to about 36 years to you and me. Add in the fact that both are Country singers, who probably had to listen to each other's music from time to time, and it probably felt like 50.

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Photo used for parody purposes. 

Bill Cosby, He Should've Stuck To 'Himself'

Reprinted from earlier blog, 11/20/2014

Bill Cosby. Yes, the only thing on Earth scarier to an actress than being told "The audition is at 3p.m...in my RV, behind the Denny's...with Willem Defoe." The world's most prolific rapist has been under quite a bit of well-deserved fire of late.

 

Victims continue to come forward detailing scenarios under which the comedian sexually assaulted them. Considering that this is the man who once told young black men wearing their jeans down around their groins to "pull their pants up," we can't help but enjoy the irony...since that is really the only part of this story one can "enjoy."

 

Although, perhaps there's this: Cosby's recent deals with Netflix and NBC, for a standup special and a new sitcom respectively, have both — like the proverbial noise on the new car you've just brought into the shop — gone away.

 

Although he continues to perform to sold-out crowds, it looks like The Cos is about to take his final bow if the court of public opinion has anything to say about it.

 

Here're the details: Our perverted Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr., Ph.D., apparently enjoys inviting young women back to hotel rooms while on tour, then offering them a drink and a pill. In story after story, women detail awakening to Cosby dressing, wrapping himself in a robe.

 

While it's possible he was just practicing his Himalayan monk chants in full gear while the ladies were out cold on his bed, that seems hardly likely. And it looks like Dr. Cosby's perversions don't end there.

 

We at Z!TV went in search, to see if there were further perverted peccadilloes of Bill Cosby. (You know, because drugging and taking advantage of young women is merely a peccadillo to Mr. Huxtable, who clearly thinks nothing of these [unforgivable] encounters[, you $!%@ing jerk].)

 

What follows is what we uncovered...We felt it necessary to pixelate the images and protect the identities of these others who've come forward.  The first one is especially...chilling...

 

"Dr. Cosby would tell me that his hand was
jealous of his tongue...and,
next thing I know, both are on me. And then he'd make
all sorts of 'pop' puns. It was just gross."

"It was nonstop with him. I was always
being put into situations where I had to touch
him inappropriately."

 

"As an '80s icon myself, you would think
people would listen, but there was, and still is, a
double-standard in our male-dominated society. I can only
hope that now, perhaps Mr. Cosby will see this and,
finally -- finally -- acknowledge his son."

"I don't know how you found me. No comment...NO COMMENT, I SAID!"

This victim who reached out to Z!TV required we further ensure his anonymity...

"Cosby is a gross, awful, horrid, disgusting, maniacal reprobate, and these 'colors' on me and on
my peers and workmates? They're not a 'pattern,' they're not a 'design.' 
We covered Mr. Huxtable's torso, but he covered us... These 'designs,' they're (and I know you
won't believe me), but they're Cosby's own designer semen! Yes, Bill Cosby has
DESIGNER SEMEN! And it's on all of us! It might even be on you!
And, my god, it doesn't wash out...it doesn't ever wash out!!"

Just as interesting is this video unearthed by ABC News (via the AP). At the end of it, Cosby tries to manipulate the young reporter into touching him in front of his wife ensuring the Q&A the reporter sprung on him about rape allegations never sees the light of day.

 

We certainly hope that justice will be served. With Jell-O Pudding Pops waayyy on the side.

 

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Fox News Requires 'Moore' Chlorine From Demi

While Demi Moore searches for a new pool cleaner, Fox News is reporting that Moore could get sued, because a young man died during a typical Hollywood “party” (more on these quotes around “party” later) which took place at her home. Moore was not present at the time, but, according to Fox analysts, California law states she could still be held liable.

Obviously, this is the real news here — the possibility of some Hollywood elitist bitch getting sued — not the accidental death of an innocent young man. 

The fact that this household name and one-time Ashton Kutcher handler might get sued by the wretched refuse of L.A. (aka, non-movie/TV stars. Eww.) is certainly priority news.

Us Weekly, of all places, clarifies the story more: First of all, it turns out the “party” of the ungrateful Hollywood high-and-mighty was a five-person celebration. The victim of the Crime of Hollywood (i.e., having guests over for dinner and drinks) apparently just fell into the pool late at night. He sadly wasn’t discovered until 5:30 a.m.
 

Fox harped on the lawsuit with one analyst discussing it on-set and another being quoted in their article. 

Demi Moore was reportedly in absolute shock over the whole incident. And she wasn’t thrilled with the dead-body-in-the-pool thing either. 

Z!TV apologizes for Fox's lack of empathy...and ours.

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