This Guy Named Sony? He’s A Hack

The news is everywhere. Sony was hacked!

 

And before Amy Pascal leaves Sony “for personal reasons,” we wanted to launch a couple of hacks of our own!

 

So the massive Z!TV cyber tech crew went to work!

First, we went after Kevin Hart!

 

That’s right. Because Hollywood and whiners continue crying over the conversation where Hart, a whore, was accidentally called an “actor” in an e-mail from Sony’s Clint Culpepper, we felt it important to look into the actor’s exchanges with people on his team about Sony executives.

 

To give a little bit of context, Kevin Hart is no more nor less a whore than any other actor. Actors all make their living by whoring themselves out for money. When Hart was holding social media promotions hostage from Culpepper, the exec who leads a Sony group called “Screen Gems” (producing such gems as the movies “Burlesque,” “Country Strong,” and “Thinking Like A Man Again: Electric Boogaloo”), the exec got angry.

Kevin Hart Reacts to His Makeup Test For Another
"Think Like A Man" Sequel

 

For those not in the film industry, “angry” is the normal state of being for a film producer or executive.

 

Here’s what we found in our Hart attack:

HART: Hey, I hear  that d-bag called me a whore?

MANAGER: Which d-bag?

HART: The one that got hacked.

MANAGER: You are a whore.

HART: That’s offensive.

MANAGER: Why?

HART: Cuz he called me a whore!

MANAGER: You ARE a whore!

HART: I ain’t no whore, bitch! I do stand up at anyplace that’ll pay my price, and I now comand [sic] top doller [sic] for movies after having to do crap Scary Movies, and now I’m all up in them sequels like Think Like A Man 3 and Space Jam 2!!

MANAGER: Right. Whore.

HART: …

HART: Shit.

MANAGER: Hey, Sony’s remaking Tootsie w/Kevin James. You want in?

HART: $$?

MANAGER: 2.5 – best friend/roommate

HART: days on set?

MANAGER: 15

HART: Make it 10, no wkends. Done.

MANAGER: right.

 

Z!TV also hacked Sony. No, no, not the original hack you’ve read about. We wanted to find new information, things the hack did not uncover. You know, actual news.

 

So what constitutes news?

 

Reporting that Scott Rudin is a dick is not news. Scott Rudin’s been a dick for years. The ’90s film Swimming With Sharks is based on working for Rudin:

(Rudin has reportedly mellowed. To vent his anger, he no longer beats on underlings. He now goes to yoga classes, meditates, and prefers to even lead classes, where, while people are in downward facing dog pose, he punt-kicks them in the groin. Oh, and FYI: people in NYC pay prime dollar for this — seriously, that dude can make a buck off of anything.)

 

Come back to see what our Sony Hack found!

 

Prince William and Kate Middleton Make a Mockery of Fun

Prince Willy and his wife, Kate “Looks Don’t Matter” Middleton, are in NYC! And every single thing they’re doing is to benefit charity. 

Boy, they just take the take piss right out of going on holiday! (We’re pretty sure we’re not using that right, Brits, but we don’t care.)

Makes you want to give a new meaning to “your highness.” Get us a few “Grape Ape”-infused brownies from the dispensery, and let’s make this fun (although rumor has it Middleton likes to toke on a little “Old Mother” to clear her head). And if you think we’re just being snide, consider the fact that the couple arrived in New York City Sunday afternoon to attend a meeting in Washington, D.C. come Monday.  OK, wait…maybe they are high!    

Actually, just the Prince’ll be heading down to the nerve center of U.S. government works: yes, the Kabob House on P Street. He’ll be meeting with Prez Obama, who’ll probably present his Royal Low-Ness with a gift, like he did with the queen a few years back (to whom Mr. Obama gave, we’re not kidding, an iPod).   

We would like to suggest something befitting a current world leader passing along some knowledge to a world-leading figurehead of the future:  

Game of Thrones Season 3 - Limited Edition

Once the heir to the crone returns to his dimply wife from D.C., the boy prince’ll be meeting with Hilary and Chelsea Clinton (that’s right, the fun Clintons.), also for some charity-giving importance (The Tusk Trust).

While hubby is letting it all hang loose at the British consul’s home with 2016′s democratic disappointment, Kate’ll be joining NYC’s First Lady (i.e., the mayor’s wife) in Harlem for a different charity visit…as if there’d be any other reason a royal would be in Harlem (well, OK, maybe she’ll follow it up with some shopping at Dr. Jay’s, get herself a Baby Phat zip hoodie).

Where the Royals Shop While in NYC

The pair will also be heading to Brooklyn for a Nets game. Considering Princey Boy will be in D.C. earlier that day, and anyone who’s ever even just passed through New York City knows that the snarling traffic in and out of Brooklyn would require a 5- to 6-hour lead time to get to the game in time, we’d like to recommend the following, courtesy of HopStop.com:   

 

 

On the plus side of things, with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge in The Big Influenza, the Ebola State, NYC, there’s a really great listing on AirBnB:  

 

Click for the AirBnB Details -- Stay in the 2nd-Best Castle in Kensington!

In honor of Bill Cosby...We Present Cee-Lo Green

The recent allegations which have surfaced and resurfaced and re-resurfaced against Dr. William H. "Bill" Cosby, have reminded us of this wonderful story (from our other blog) where one-hit-wonder CeeLo Green essentially admits to taking advantage of women while unconscious...

And he then goes on to say that it's OK that he does that, because he apparently believes being unconscious is the same as giving consent. No, really, that's what he's trying to say...

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CeeLo Green, possibly best known as the tiny assistant to Mr. Roarke on 1970s TV hit "Fantasy Island," seems to have decided rape is AOK, admitted to doing it, and even added that rape's not always rape, saying via Twitter:

“If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously, so WITH Implies consent."

This Tweet has been seen thousands of times thanks to one Twitter user posting the above image of CeeLo's Twitter feed, which was soon picked up by news outlets nationally.

Z!TV has called in a grammarian from the U.K. Etymological Institute of Phonetic Alphabetic Grammar and Preposterous Phraseology, ready to parse out CeeLo's words to prove our point. The grammarian representative studied CeeLo's Twitter messages, researched his background—including details of his so-called singing career—and, after much internal discourse, came to the following conclusion:

"CeeLo's an asshole."

Further study was then conducted independently by Z!TV; we uncovered that the Tweet essentially implies or states four things:

1. Someone was passed out with CeeLo (see the details of his recent court case).
2. CeeLo states if one is "passed out" and with you, it means they're not conscious of being with you.
3. So, OK, if "with" implies consent, then her unconscious state—per CeeLo's own definition—means she gave no consent.
4. Hence, he admitted to raping her, even after arguing w/Twitter users that there is no "plausible proof." What a guy.
According to Newsweek, CeeLo removed his Tweet, and the one which followed, where he stated, "People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” As we know, removing the Tweet admonishes you in the eyes of CeeLo's god, whom he references frequently.

Said God, "Fuck that doucheburger. He better watch it now."

Other deleted Tweets by CeeLo include:

"I didnt blow the 12 men who said I did, b/c none of them were conscious when I did it."

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"Nobody else gets it: When U have T-rex arms, its SO difficult to masturbate. #BackScratchersHurt"

 ----

"Im wider than I am tall. So it AOK I drug an rape women!!! RT cuz im coolest. #TVStarsDontDoJailTime"

 ---- 

"Backstsage at #TheVoice, having consensual sex with lil boys. I make sure theyre unconscious, so itz kool. #LuvGod" 

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 "Midget hooker I paid got down on her knees and looked me right in the eyes to tell me im despicable #Soshort"

 ---- 

"Pop-Tarts are not self-aware so i can eat em all day and still be in great shape #ShapedLikeaHippetyHop" [Link to arcane reference here.]

 ---- 

"@JohnStamos - Y U WONT STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS?! Want to do it 'consensually'?"

 ---- 

"only just found out doin' it doggystyle dont mean I need to have a doggy. But cant get this Lhasa Apso off mah ass. @CesarMilan #DogSlippedMeSomethin"

 ---- 

"Feel bad for @JustinBeiber, way he always disgracing his family/mother. #iGiveMyMomE"

 ---- 

"i aint fat...just explained to Doc, all pork i eat is unconscious when i eat it, so its not able to make you fat."

 ---- 

"Pls remember, we all make mistakes an we all just human...some of us just more rapey humans than others."

CeeLo has since left Twitter. His fans are standing behind him—like, way, way behind him. Some have even started a fund: SendCeeLoIntoOuterSpace.org.


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Note: The above is satire. Celebrity tweets are 100% fake...but the first 2 quotes from CeeLo, per Newsweek and Twitter, are REAL.

Allison Williams is Almost a Man!

Allison Williams, who will be heading up NBC’s live production of Peter Pan later in the holiday season, is looking a little more manly than we’re used to seeing.

Allison Williams as Freddy Mercury

The perhaps too-pretty-to-be-believed-as-Peter-Pan actress can be seen below in an image for what must be her upcoming stint as Freddy Mercury. We think she and the production team have hit it on the head.

Lena Dunham, with whom Williams co-stars in HBO’s Girls, reportedly said of the manly transformation, “I still win.”

See the trailer:

 

HBO's Lena Dunham Regrets Using Sexual Predator

 

Judd Apatow lap dog and star of HBO's children's series, Girls (What? It's called "Girls," it must be for kids!), Lena Dunham came under the second-least necessary fire on Twitter recently for her pre-adolescent sexual ineptitude.

Dunham, clearly a white, female CeeLo Green-like predator, first defended herself on Twitter, then released a more formal statement to the website of magazine Time, thus ensuring extra clicks to — and plenty of extra attention and online mentions of — a site owned by the parent company of HBO.

The purely political move served its purpose: Today on Twitter, everyone is talking about the just-announced sequel Toy Story 4 (admittedly, alleged sexual predatory actions will and always should be overshadowed by Pixar movie announcements).

Dunham's statement to Time is below. It's very possible, even likely, we made a host of changes to it...

I am dismayed over the recent interpretation of events described in my book "Not That Kind of Girl: But One Slightly More Icky."

First and foremost, I want to be very clear that I do not condone any kind of abuse under any circumstances. Not even if it's one of those "Real Housewives" people — who could use a swift kick in the ass for sure.

Childhood sexual abuse is a life-shattering event for so many, and I have been vocal about the rights of survivors. ... I am also aware that the comic use of the term “sexual predator” was insensitive, and I’m sorry for that as well. But, come on, when a 28-year-old woman makes a comment about being a 7-year-old sexual predator, that's totally funny, right? It's like the kind of funny where you don't really laugh, but you sort of quietly chortle, because there's absolutely no way that I was a predator at the age of seven, unless of course I was horribly twisted by my hippie parents in ways only the Manson family or Art Garfunkel could understand.

Keep in mind of course that, at the age of 28, my frontal lobe may still not be fully developed; I've always developed more slowly than my contemporaries (see: any interview with Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Watson, then watch me. It's sad, really.). I'm also only just now taking writing courses for the first time. As is the editor of my book, who really should have marked that passage. Like, seriously, right?!

As for my sibling, Grace, she is my best friend, and anything I have written about her has been published with her approval. Come next week, I'll be snipping off the zip ties around her wrists and ankles and giving her to the count of 100 to get as far away as she can. She'll have access to Twitter.

Yeah. That should clear it all up. Z!TV is glad to have done its part in support of Dunham (who, in all seriousness, we really do support on this...even tho' you couldn't make us watch her series Girls, not even if we were threatened and told we'd have to read Dunham's book).

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Image used for parody purposes. Credit: New York Magazine

Toy Story 4 Is Going to Make a Sh!tlo@d of Money For Disney/Pixar

Disney Pixar has released information about the upcoming extension of their small but growing film family.

 

As the struggling mom 'n' pop company tries to grow and compete with larger competitors, the Disney family is trying something new in Hollywood: a thing called a "sequel," thus extending the concept of a film into what they call a "franchise."

 

 

 

This is so rarely done in Hollywood, that it is clearly a big gamble. The film, currently entitled "Toy Story 4," picks up from the previous installment about a lovable cowboy doll and his space ranger/action figure friend/secret lover.

 

In a statement reported on Variety's website, Director John Lasseter is reported to have said, "We don't want to do anything with [the Toy Story characters] unless it lives up to or surpasses what's gone before...But when Andrew, Pete, Lee and I came up with this new idea, I just could not stop thinking about it."

 

For those who do not work in the film industry, we offer a translation:

 

"When the team had it's 47th company-mandated meeting on further exploiting the Toy Story franchise, we were pleased that we finally came up with something the suits felt was marketable, that Disney could easily turn into a licensing frenzy. Seriously. You ain't seen marketing like this. Not even for Star Wars. Disney is bringing in an entire marketing group just for the licensing of this flick. And, this time, I've got a sweet back-end deal, so I get big bucks almost right out of the gate. I'm gonna be rich, bitch...not the kind of rich I am now. I mean, like, buying-ownership-of-those-people-who-run-around-Disneyland-in-those-costumes-and-having-them-come-back-to-my-place-to-perform-for-my-pleasure kind of rich. Fuck yeah."

 

The film is set to release in June 2017, one month after the studio's Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and, in a "take that, bitches" move, right around the time DC/WB releases whatever movie will replace the likely cancelled Justice League film.

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Lena Dunham Secures 'Girls' -- It's a Scandal!

Lena Dunham stunned the Internet this week when she admitted to being a child and, while being a child, did strange, even stupid, things.

Dunham at her MOST offensive

Dunham apparently admits in her recently published memoir that she, like many children, was curious about all them parts we boys and girls have. Dunham, wondering a bit about the girl parts, at the randy age of 7, apparently took a moment to sneak a peek at her baby sister when mom wasn't looking. According to Dunham's book, the HBO star "spread open [the baby's] vagina."

Awkward and a little creepy, no doubt. But, at 7, this kind of curiosity is normal, and the expression of it almost never is.

Sexually repressed, and apparently very jealous writer, Kevin Williamson was the person who called Dunham out as a sexual offender in an article which starts off by implying Dunham shouldn't be trusted because she grew up in a very expensive home in New York City.

Keep in mind, of course, this is a man with some serious, some really, really serious anger issues.

Adults around the world who pretended that they've never had awkward sexual (pre-)adolescent situations (the kind which coined the phrase "You show me yours, I'll show you mine" and are depicted in "Free to Be You And Me"...by babies) were offended.

In defense of the accusers, Dunham went on to say she, later on in life, would bribe her little sis with three pieces of candy if she would allow her to "kiss her on the lips for five seconds." Her apparently tone deaf editor, forgetting that she was editing the words of a 28-year-old who, like most, can't think beyond the now, allowed Ms. Dunham to then explain that she was doing "anything a sexual predator might do to woo a small suburban girl."

So, yeah, this started a Twitter shit-storm in Lena Dunham's general direction. A shit-storm of accusers, victims, activists, and also a few people who wanted to know if she was that character "Seven," the little blonde boy who popped up in a few annoying episodes of Married with Children.

Dunham explained, in a simple Twitter reply, that the accusations are "really fucking ... disgusting."

But what's most telling is that the first place Lena turned to the next day to make a statement was Time magazine — owned by the same company which owns HBO, the home of Dunham's overrated series, Girls.

Sounds like there may have been a conversation which had to do with securing Dunham's HBO show for the future. You can read the Time magazine statement here. Or you can read our completely phony summary, coming tomorrow.

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Image used for parody purposes.