North West -- His Name's a Punchline and His Dad's a Joke...Again

Hollywood Life Is reporting that there’s a report that it’s reported that some insider inside has inside information that Kim has a secret she’s kept secret from Kanye.   

Yes, the rag states that the rag the Sun is quoting some unnamed person that other unnamed people are buzzing about the buzz that Kim Kardashian had Kanye West’s baby without Kanye. While that sound you hear is a vein in West’s temple bursting, Hollywood life goes on to explain that Kim K had embryos frozen until Sweeps Month, when she was ready to get pregnant.

Hollywood Life jokes that this is a story for Maury. And, in a follow-up article, wittily states this is a story for Maury. Um, yeah, they made the same lame joke twice. We feel that the lameness of being that lame would be akin to just lamely using nonsense words over and over and over and over and over again and again and again, ultimately saying nothing. 

And Z!TV is  about  above such things. 

Our 2nd-Favorite Kanye Video

Our Favorite Kanye Video

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Katt Williams -- Even Viral, Nobody Cares Who He Is

It's the viral video that just won't stop going viral.

Katt Williams, a black comedian who, along with actor Jeffrey Wright and rapper Nas, is known only to other African Americans, is in trouble yet again. 

While every site from TMZ to the Lehrer News Hour seems to be taking joy in mentioning the troubled (and we just mean his hair) comic (and his "jokes") got whupped by a 7th-grader (which Wikipedia writers have made a 12th-grader), NBC is the only site reporting the kid was 17 years old. 

The viraliest of video shows the elderly teen taunting the five-foot-five comedian before the comic throws a punch. At which point, the poor li'l child, a trained wrestler, takes the "comedian" down -- which is easy since he's already so low to the ground. 

The 7th grader is being charged as an adult. Y'know, because he is one. Katt Williams will be charged as an adult as soon as he starts acting like one.

TMZ Staff Is Still Orgasming Over These Photos

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Photo: TMZ

Used for parody purposes.

Madonna Parking Scandal or Madonna’s Become Cranky In Her Old, Old...Old Age

New York City, where parking is a lot like the movie Batman v. Superman — you expect something simple that'll just take up a small portion of your day but instead you end up scarred for life, wondering how your entire day got eaten up by a frustrating turd of an experience.

According to celebrity stalker site TMZ, Madonna, who owns a $40M townhouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan (for those who don’t know NYC, the Upper East Side is the northern-most rich neighborhood on the east side of Manhattan Island — it’s also where dowdy old Manhattanites go to get rye bread and die quietly at home), has decided, in Jerry Seinfeld parlance, "NO PARKING FOR YOU!"

In secret, the lucky star apparently decided to paint the borderline of the curb in front of her home a ray-of-light "no parking" yellow — in spite of it being out of vogue — and threw up some sidewalk talk which read "Tenant Parking Only," essentially making it clear that they can't holiday near the material girl and like a prayer papa don't preach a justify my love cherish la isla bonita blahblahblah did I already use borderline?

Well, a neighbor noticed the phony signage and reported the lady singer to the city. Because, while yes, she can warn people not to park in front of her driveway, the 40 feet of curb space to the left is public parking, and she’s got no say over any of that.

Madonna's fake "Tenant Parking Only" signage included planting a post on city sidewalk property and actually embossing the sidewalk in big letters which read "OI, THIS HERE SPOT IS RESERVED FOR PEOPLE OO'VE NOT SEEN MOY VAH-JAYJAY, GOV!"

Or, perhaps I'm misremembering, it may have just read "No Parking."

Nevertheless, Mad Madge has been given a warning from the city to undo all the voodoo that she did do. And, in her ever-classy Madonna style, the old croner, er, crooner, took it all in stride and completely empathized with her neighbors’ frustration.

No. I'm of course being sarcastic...but not as sarcastic as this post from Mad's Instagram

Yes Bishes I am Madonna and that is my driveway and if people park in front of it i cant drive in my driveway! So sorry the city doesn't like the color yellow! We will paint a nice dull grey to keep our neighbors happy! Sorry! Im saying 3 extra Hail Mary's this Easter for this transgression!

Actual Instagram post:

Yes Bishes I am Madonna and that is my driveway and if people park in front of it i cant... https://t.co/CnmnvriZt3 pic.twitter.com/Py1Sk42VK9

— Madonna (@Madonna) March 24, 2016

If you look up "classy in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Madonna. And, under it, a caption reading, "See Career Low."
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Blake Shelton Doesn't Drink Too Much (Wait, Is It Opposite Day?)

Someone Was Clearly Running
with Scissors.

No Matter How Small We
Make This Image, the
Headline Can  Be Seen
From Space.

In an eye-opening, liquor-swilling, gullet-guzzling interview with singer, songwriter, The Voice host, and drunken Gwen Stefani hair dresser, Blake Shelton is seen swigging alcohol from a mason jar while telling Entertainment Tonight "reporter" Nancy O'Dell that his drinking is just part of the relationship he has with his fans, that it's all an act.


O'Dell for her part laughs along with him at the joke, except for the one moment where she clearly got a whiff of his breath:

Um...yeah. No caption required.

Last year, magazine-nobody-admits-to-buying InTouch Weekly covered Shelton with the

bright yellow sans-serif bold 123-font-size headline "Rehab for Blake." Shelton was not pleased, and, after downing a couple of bottles of Wild Turkey with a 6-pack chaser, Shelton filed a declaration.

In the declaration, Shelton denies ever being in rehab and, further, denies having been drunk at the time/places In Touch indicates, denies drinking with over-indulgence, denies ever being so drunk that he cheated on ex-wife Mini-Mate figure Miranda Lambert, denies walking through lobbies drunk, drinking before 11 a.m., drinking in photos on Twitter where he himself declared himself drunk, and even knowing how to pronounce the word "Alcohol."

A recent picture of Shelton from The Voice may indicate otherwise:

Shelton Considers Another "The Voice" Contestant and
Face Transplant Reject.

Z!TV has done its due diligence -- as always -- and obtained a copy of the declaration and court filing referenced above. You'll note that it was written by Mr. Shelton in his own hand. Further information to come as it is made available. And, yes, these are his actual words...

 

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Images: InTouch Weekly, Bauer Publishing
Stefani: InStyle
Shelton & O'Dell: ETONLINE.COM
Tip O'Neil: AP
Legal Declaration: DocumentCloud.org

Lindsay Lohan’s New Boyfriend Gets Approval of Dina Lohan

One-time Disney icon, and former slave to sex-trade pimp Wilmer Valderrama, Lindsey Lohan is getting serious with her new boyfriend.

According to TMZ, Lindsay's disastrous mother has met, via Facetime, the mom of disastrous Lindsay's newest disastrous boyfriend — a disastrous Richie Rich of Russian import currently living in the U.K.

The Lohan mom indicates that the daughter for whom she’s made a ton of great decisions is now with the Cossack real estate developer, stating that they’ve "been in a relationship for a long time."

Utilizing Google's English-to-Hollywood translation option revealed the actual time to which "a long time" refers is as follows:

Figure 1. We went to Google's translation page...

Figure 2. We typed in the phrase to translate.

According to Entertainment Tonight, Lohan told the Sun newspaper that every time she has "been linked to someone," the press always opines that that man will help her with her alcohol/drug/parental/Hollywood/plastic surgery/ginger freckles/raspy voice problems. To which she says, "Fuck you ... I have done this for me. I take care of myself." Then she added, "They just set it up to fail." Proving once and for all that Mama June Lohan and Spouse Abuser of the Year — and Adderall spokesperson — Poppa Lohan hold no blame in the one-time leading lady’s downfall.

Z!TV of course wishes Lindsay the best and is sure that her rich Russian real estate mogul boyfriend is just as above board as every single Russian realtor we've ever met. Or every realtor we've ever met.


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