What's Jon Stewart's Problem With Trevor Noah?

This week, host of satirical series "The Daily Show," Mr. Jon Stewart his own self, apologized on behalf of scandal-ridden replacement Trevor Noah.
Nope.

Whoops. Sorry, that was from a first draft. Stewart made no apology. 

OK, here we go...

This week "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart explained in detail that his soon-to-be replacement, Trevor Noah, is in no way an anti-Semite nor a misogynist. 

Dammit. That was my second draft. Sorry. Turns out Stewart didn't say that at all. 

Alright...

Jon Stewart returned to air this week by taking to task all of the people who "overreacted" to tweets by "Daily Show" correspondent and future host Trevor Noah.

Fuck. That's not what happened either.

So, wait, did Jon Stewart explain that Trevor Noah's tweets were misread? Nope. Did he explain that perhaps Noah could have better worded some of his Tweets? Uh-uh. 

Oh wait! I know, Jon Stewart "Daily Showed" the whole thing -- yeah, you know, he showed Fox News and CNN correspondents discussing the whole "scandal," then line-by-line tore them a new one, poking holes in their arguments, explaining that those Fox News guys have as much right to analyze comedy as Stewart himself has to, say, analyze insane rants by half-baked analysts paid by the Fox conglomerate to develop a particular narrative which causes dismay and utter outrage when anyone, democrat or republican, strays from said narrative.

Or words to that effect. You know, Stewart's usual ball of hysterically funny ass-fucking of the bad guys! (The way we love it!)

So, he ranted, and then he cut to "Sr. Women's Studies Correspondent" Jessica Williams to discuss in detail why Noah's tweets were not sexis--

Ohh, wait...turns out absolutely none of that happened either.

Actually, nothing happened. Jon Stewart opened the show, said Trevor Noah is "incredibly thoughtful and considerate" and explained we should "give him an opportunity to earn [our] trust and respect."

Trevor Noah & Jon Stewart joke backstage of
The Daily Show,
each wearing the uniform of oppressive regimes.

Some might say nothing more needed to happen. That Stewart's lack of coverage meant  the "scandal" was not worth further coverage or acknowledgement. And to those people I say, if Letterman can still make "Chris Christie is fat" jokes, if comic legend Robert Klein can still do his bit on the Red Hot Chili Peppers and that old 4-hour erection/Viagra joke, and if Jon effin' Stewart can shrug at the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal one day then ask us to look closer at it a few days later, then sure as George W. Bush can get a library named after him, I can sure as hell take a closer look at the dude who's made the worst splash in his meteoric rise to stardom since, well, Tom Arnold (how a rising meteor splashes is a question best answered by Neil deGrasse Tyson; me, I'm just gonna press on)...
Stewart, much like a Fox news reporter with a sense of justice, is caught in the middle. The head of the network says one thing, but one's own brain might just be saying another. 
/span> Comedy Central's Kent Alterman made the decision on Noah. And that would explain Stewart's choice to essentially say nothing more than "I don't necessarily hate him, you might not maybe shouldn't yet hate him either."

Skipping the Tweets that just fell flat (this would be most of his Tweets, but in terms of the scandal, Noah's tweet about "women's hockey [being] like lesbian porn ... without the porn" is simply saying that there are a lot of gay women playing hockey, and he seems to like looking at them. I don't know if a lot do play hockey, but if this were softball or field hockey, well, um, yeah, it sure could be the fact. A stereotype? Sure. But it's not an insulting one, unless you think that saying lesbians play sports a lot is insulting), I'm just moving ahead and looking at those tweets which truly seemed to be hateful.
In Noah's defense, let's keep in mind, each of the next three tweets are anywhere from about one to several years old:

Originally when men proposed they went down on one knee so if the woman said no they were in the perfect uppercut position.
— Trevor Noah (@Trevornoah) December 20, 2012

"Oh yeah the weekend. People are gonna get drunk & think that I'm sexy!" - fat chicks everywhere.
— Trevor Noah (@Trevornoah) October 14, 2011<

Messi gets the ball and the real players try foul him, but Messi doesn't go down easy, just like jewish chicks. #ElClasico
— Trevor Noah (@Trevornoah) January 25, 2012

So the first Tweet above is about punching women. I don't think there is anyone defending this. Well, you know, except for Ray Rice's wife. (*sigh*)

The second states that women who are overweight are only attractive to drunk men. Sexist men the world over who don't like fat girls are definitely defending this one. But how that's gonna get them laid is beyond me. 

The third tweet re-uses that ol' chestnut about Jewish gals not enjoying going down on men and turns it on its ear...no, wait, it just re-uses the ol' chestnut (untrue by the way, and big thank yous to Michelle, Shari, Susan, Maureen, Melissa, and all the rest whose names I have absolutely not forgotten, I swear). It's not so much offensive on its own (it's a bad joke using a stereotype), but as part of a pattern which is forming, well, it doesn't look great. Especially when the rest of that pattern is anti-Semitism...

Almost bumped a Jewish kid crossing the road. He didn't look b4 crossing but I still would hav felt so bad in my german car!
— Trevor Noah (@Trevornoah) September 18, 2009

This one has been quite controversial. Some say it's anti-Semitic. Others say that the joke is just that hitting a Jewish kid with a German car is far worse than just accidentally hitting him. 

Again, looking at the pattern of jokes (two more of this ilk follow, admittedly over the course of several years), it doesn't speak well of the author.

No matter how you look at that above tweet, however, the crux of it is that he's joking about hitting a child with his car. Tasteless no matter the creed of the subject. Now, heat your skillet to about 300 degrees, melt the butter and add just a sprig of Nazism...and what you've got will definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth (which reminds me, I owe Susan an apology).

Sooo, on its own? Not the worst joke in the world (we'll refer you to that Tosh fella and his rape joke aimed at a patron for that...or my "apology to Susan" joke above), but, thank goodness there was more!...

Sure, plenty of people have this opinion of Israel...but they don't have this opinion and also make jokes about Jewish women's aversion to sex (well, they do, but they're usually hairy Jewish men with small penises [oops, stereotypes abound!]) or about hitting Jewish children with cars (well, they do, but they're usually blonde, blue-eyed fellows in black uniforms. [ack! Did it again!]).

Speaking of doing it again...

Behind every successful Rap Billionaire is a double as rich Jewish man. #BeatsByDreidel
— Trevor Noah (@Trevornoah) May 12, 2014

Wow, so the rich Jews control everything. That's the implication here. Now, by the same token, it might very well be a true statement, but the "double as rich Jewish man" phraseology has a tinge of spite (add it to the skillet with the sprig of Nazism and the butter, don't forget to chop the chip on your shoulder...). 

That phrasing can surely be called into question. It's like if I went to watch a Washington Redskins game and, at the concession, ordered a "Bloody Tomahawk Double-Dog" (a double-sized hot dog with extra ketchup). You'd probably think that naming a hot dog that is almost as insensitive as calling your team the Washington Redskins.* That is to say, it's really just not okay.

(*No, there's no such thing as a "Bloody Tomahawk Double-Dog" -- this is satire, that was a joke. Just like Redskins owner Dan Snyder.)
The most interesting thing about the above is that a lot of people don't see this as racist. For instance after one twitter user said Noah's comment was indeed racist, another Twitterer replied:
@bluejames are you drunk who is this racist to?
Jimmy Iovine is richer than Dr Dre. How is a fact
racist? I don't need fans like you.
Oh wait, that was Trevor Noah himself handling a heckler with wit and aplomb.

Darn-it-all...there I go mistyping again: I meant, "That was Trevor Noah himself handling a heckler with a total lack of wit and aplomb."

Here he is trying it again...

@sgreenbl there's only one rap billionaire. How is this stereotyping? Are you being serious right now?  


Seriously. If it wasn't so pathetic, it'd be funny. Wait, wait, it actually is funny. Trevor Noah's sad display, his awfully ridiculous attempt at defending his work is actually funnier than the work itself. 

But don't fear, Z!TV is here to help with that! 

See, since Jon Stewart seems to have no interest in defending Noah, outside of asking us to give him a chance, and since Noah has not apologized, nor said that people misconstrued his words, nor said that -- since some tweets are several years old -- he's grown as a person, nor said that he is seeking counseling for what seems to be his obvious hatred of Jews and women, nor said that he is going to try and do better or be a better person, nor said that he simply enjoys off-color humor and meant no harm, nor said that he actually likes Jews and "fat chicks," nor said...shit, now I've completely forgotten my point.

Oh right! 

Since Noah hasn't done any of the above, let's play...


TEACH TREVOR NOAH COMEDY!...

A game where Z!TV rewrites Noah's most offensive tweets! It's in the next blog post.

-30-
Photos & Images Used Solely for Parody Purposes.
Original Trevor Noah & Jon Stewart image source: Facebook 

Harvey Weinstein Joining The Bill Cosby Club?

 

 

"People look like their personalities." 

 

I once heard this said by comedian Adam Corolla — who looks like the kid that would sit in the back of the classroom making fart noises, then, shaking his head in disbelief, pointing to the girl next to him. (Which is why I like the guy.) 

 

Harvey Weinstein looks like the overly polite doorman at a dingy, old not-as-fancy-as-it-once-was apartment building in NYC who’ll fondle the young Chinese food delivery girl the first chance he gets.
 
I'm not saying he has done such things, mind you. 
 
A young model is saying it. 
 
She went to the police to report an incident, of a sexual predatory nature, in which Weinstein touched her quite inappropriately. And...she's 22. Weinstein is in his mid-sixties. (Had he been invited to play in her victory garden, more power to him...but, clearly, it's power that's the problem -- he was not invited.)
 
Who is she? She is a model by the name of Fialala Volare.
 
Actually, that's a lie. Her name is Ambra Battilana, but, really, you don't care.
 
You're more interested in the juicy facts about Weinstein and where/when/why he groped the pretty girl. And who can blame you? I mean, we can all picture it...As a matter of fact, Breitbart.com makes it super-easy.
 

Here's a screen cap of the story from their page:

 

Do you see it? In case you don't, let's make it easier for you...

Step 1.
 

We perform some photo editing, placing the images together...

It's becoming clearer now, yes? 
 

Step 2. 
 

Now, in our editing software, we go to the Image menu and choose something to highlight the point we're making to you readers:

 

Result:

 

Perfect. 
 
Now that we're in exploitative b&w, we’re free to use further effects.
 
Step 3.
 
So we go to the Effects menu. Again, we really want to make the implications clear, but not overtly so...just the way Breitbart.com did. 
 
So let's choose the most practical effects option we can find...

That should do it.
 

And the result:

Now, don't get me wrong. Breitbart.com is completely justified. Weinstein is (allegedly) scum. Gross, awful scum (allegedly). Really, he's just a horrific, disgusting, awful man who may have even admitted to what he did (see below), and I cannot begin to imagine how many dozens of non-Cosby victims he groped. Allegedly. 
 

But here's the thing...
 

Choosing the nearly bared upper bod image of the model and placing it side-by-side with a Weinstein image with his hands in some odd positioning -- and just at the right alignment with her breasts -- the idea that our eyes should fill in the blanks is pretty clear.
 
So now the question becomes: Who's sleazier, Weinstein or the editors of Breitbart.com? 
 
Too tough to call.
 
I get it though. Weinstein, a Hollywood mogul and liberal media giant, should be taken down a peg or two -- the Breitbart site is super-happy to do this. They've probably not been this happy since they thought they found proof that Obama supporter and now-former Sony chief Amy Pascal had e-mails hacked in which she admitted to squat-peeing in the faces of black gay boy scouts in Detroit who wanted nothing more than health care coverage and three healthy meals a day per the DHS Food Assistance program (those vampires! suckling on the teat of the government!). 
 
Yes, that would've been quite the get for them.
 
But there is another disturbing aspect to all of this: While the story of Handsy Harvey appeared on the cover of two New York papers during the week the story broke, it seemed only a blip on the radar of The Hollywood Reporter (which does generally shy away from stories that are unconfirmed -- in this case, no charges have been pressed as yet) or Variety, which spent more space on the Sony hack than they did the Oscars. (To be fair, I've no awareness of the print publications, which, for all I know, featured images like this on the cover:

 

...or perhaps not).  

According to The Daily News, it was reported that Weinstein didn't know the young woman. So this wasn't a "casting couch" situation. By the same token, the paper, and the Breitbart page above, claims the police have a recorded phone call between Weinstein and his wife, during which Harv states "it won't happen again." "It" being the atrocious honk-honk incident.
  
Yes, I'm calling his grasping of her boobage the "honk, honk incident." Not to demean the woman, or the situation, but because sometimes Adam Sandler-level sophomoric comments are just what a story needs. (This story was likely not one of those.)

 
Ahem.
 
But shouldn’t this be big news? The way the Cosby revelation was, and continues to be, big news?

 

If this isn't big news, is it because Variety and THR are afraid of the giant known as Harvey Weinstein? Or, in the case of THR, do they honestly feel there's no here here? (We know Variety doesn’t care about such things —see their continued hack Sony coverage [yes, those words are in the correct order], I'm pretty sure they’re still reprinting e-mails about absolutely nothing on their home page.) 
 
But, of course, if we really want the story to blow up, if we really want to suss out the truth, or some variation on it, we should make one more adjustment to this image... 
 
Yes, to ensure the media covers the lies and exploits the truth -- because goodness knows that uncovering one lie in a sea of misogyny is of the utmost importance -- we'll add just one more finishing touch to get everybody's attention...
 
This should do it:

 

Maybe now people will talk about it.

-30-

Photos used for parody purposes.

B!tches B!tch About Other B!tches Over Songs About B!tches

Bitches be all like, “That’s my song!”

 

Grammy-winner-bitch Rihanna and rap artist-bitch Just Brittany are embroiled in a bitchy battle.

 

Well, actually the bitchy fans are bitching. Some bitches are claiming Rihanna stole a song from Just Brittany. But Rihanna bitches are like “nobody owns that phrase.”

 

The bitches at E! reported the story and posted the Soundcloud track from Just Brittany and the Vimeo vid for Rihanna’s song. I've stolen the idea and done the same. (At bottom.)

 

Rihanna’s take, slower and entitled “Bitch Betta Have My Money,” is of course completely and wholly its own thing.

 

While the original “Betta Have My Money” has lyrics like:
Betta have my money
Bitch betta have my money
Bitch betta have my money hell yea
fuck that shit

 

Rihanna’s melodic dream goes like this:
Bitch better have my money!
Y'all should know me well enough
Bitch better have my money!
Please don't call me on my bluff
Pay me what you owe me

 

These are clearly completely different. (Rihanna doesn’t drop the F-bomb until much later in the song.)

 

Scientists are bitching that nobody saw this coming. Never in bitchy human evolution did we ever think we’d see a day where these were the lyrics two “artists” would fight over. And, what's even more surprising, is that Kylie Jenner lover-slash-friend, Tyga, also sang a song sounding much like Just Brittany's...THREE YEARS AGO:

 

 

Luckily should things not work out in court for the originator of the Bitch song, Brittany is apparently willing to help you with her taxes -- yes, the below is a real screen cap from her official website, which does indeed ask you to forward an image of your license and/or social security card:

 

 

It’s not a secure server, and there seems to be no guarantees that your personal information won’t be stolen, taken, or used unfairly. You’d almost think Rihanna put that page together.

 

Taylor Swift Buys Porn Domains To Beat the Rush

This post contains naughty pixelated images.

 

If you want to protect your image, you better get crackin'!

 

CNN Money reported last week that pop singer and Kanye West whipping gal Taylor Swift has moved to purchase the domain names TaylorSwift.porn and TaylorSwift.adult.

 

While many considered this a wise move to protect her brand, the biggest surprise here is that she's already set up the sites.

 

Here's the home page, an image of a clearly nude and not at all phony photo of Taylor Swift, which we were shocked to find:

Taylor Swift's Porn Home Page

With such an enticing and sexy welcome, and intro to this story one would think is misogynistic, it seems obvious that what would follow are sensual photos of Ms. Swift.

 

 Well, that's where we shock you. That home page image is not the most incredible thing on TaylorSwift.porn and TaylorSwift.adult...Yes, the images inside are absolutely SCANDALOUS...

 

As a matter of fact, it's a...

 

KANYE WEST SCANDAL!!...

Seriously, does this surprise ANYbody?

 But she wasn't done with that obscene photo...

 

We're Pretty Sure That's Taylor Swift Servin' Up Some Hot Kanye Luvvin'

 

Apparently, the recently announced collab between West and Swift was not what we all expected:

 

Taylor Swift Has It In For Kanye
(or, as you can see, someone else has it in him)

 And, finally, Kanye pulling a Kim...

 

Kimye

 

We applaud Swift for this brilliant...positioning.

 

But before you think Swift's genius is limited to her creative song writing, her ability to protect her brand, or her skills with Photoshop, it seems good ol' Taylor has purchased other similar domains.

 

Clearly, she wants to have something to fall back on should the whole porn thing not work out...

 

Bid At CrappyDomain.eu for TAILORSWIFT.info

We're on the look out for other entertainers buying up their .porn sites.

 

So far, we've only found one. And we've already bought our 1-year subscription!...

 

-30-
 All photos used for parody purposes.

Catching Your Z's

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No One Shot At Lil Wayne's House, Police/TMZ Stunned

This just in, absolutely nothing is happening at rapper Lil Wayne's home in Miami Beach.

TMZ, for two days now, is reporting the breaking news that no one has been shot at Lil Wayne's house.

TMZ's staff must be absolutely stunned by this news that, at the home of a black man, a rapper, who deigns to live in Miami, absolutely no one has been shot, killed, or in any way murdered...since it was clearly worth slamming a banner reading "EXCLUSIVE" — if you can call using a 911 tape (also available on CBS4 Miami's site) released by Miami PD an exclusive — on the story and keeping it as a main feature on the website two days in a row.

Miami SWAT descended on the home after what turned out to be an instant of SWATting (wherein people prank call 911 with a crime heinous enough to get SWAT to surround their home). TMZ has been staying right on top of the lack of story since the moment that nothing happened.

The entertainment news and gossip site even displays a helicopter shots of the home, just to show their 'round-the-clock lack of surveillance will not go uninterrupted.

Z!TV will not have more details on this story since none will be forthcoming. TMZ, however, will continue to report on nothing.

This CBS4 Miami shot was not taken by TMZ...They Might Want You To Think It Was However

The Force A-Sleepens

Entranced Star Wars fans who were collectively hoping that the standalone Star Wars Spin-Off Disney said to come would focus on Boba Fett were completely oblivious today when Robert Iger announced the film would be focusing on a member of the Star Wars Rebels Rogue Squadron.

 

At a Disney shareholder meeting Iger announced the film, "Rogue One," which will star a woman everyone is pretending they’ve been a fan of all along. 

In the Star Wars universe, the Galactic Empire is ever expanding and, I dunno, making everyone act, like, a racially charged Earth stereotype (see Episodes I, II, III), and also blowing up planets. So the rebels, who are apparently small in number, have this little fighter squadron, so little in fact that they actually let fat guys named Porkins fight. I mean, seriously...Porkins?

 

The force is strong in Disney. Not only have they compelled fans to completely forget that the last three films were abysmal — so abysmal in fact they destroyed several careers and caused Lucas to sell off the series — but fans have actually forgotten about their dire need for a Boba Fett film.

 

"Rogue One" is due in theaters December 2016. The previously announced "Star Wars: The Force Awakens - Episode VII: Do Over" arrives this December.