This Guy Named Sony? He’s a Hack – Part 4: The North Korean Hackers

Alright, people. let's take a step back:

Considering how many e-mails about what an intolerable boob Adam Sandler is, perhaps the FBI and everyone else is misconstruing the whole point behind this Sony hack. 

Granted, we're all in awe of this. I mean, is it possible we all somehow underestimated how much of an intolerable boob Adam Sandler is?

Perhaps. But if the hackers are calling themselves the GOP, writing in broken English and broken Korean, asking for money, and also asking that "The Interview" not be released, isn't it possible there's more here than meets the eye?

Think about it, there's an even bigger group that does not want "The Interview" released: they're called critics.

Not only would they have to sit through another half-assed Seth Rogan/James Franco flick that's only funny after a coupla hits off the Scooby-Doo bong, but then they'd have to spend another hour writing the review. 

And if that's not enough, upon posting the inevitable mostly negative review, they'd have to then read the comments from the Rogan fans. You know the "Rogan's totaly 'dope' u 
compleat asshat!" and "Screw you, this movies funny. Your an idoit!" 

Yeah.

Welp. I decided to get the crack Z!TV tech team on the case. We traced the hack, read the code, checked the pings, measured the bandwidth, and got off to some Japanese bukkake. And when all was said and done, we found what we were looking for...

WE HACKED THE SONY HACKERS!

Yes, we're pretty sure the guys who helped the North Korean government get their biggest win since Dennis Rodman admitted his love for them are located right here in the U.S. And not just here in the U.S. but right outside Sony studio's home in Culver City! (Because, seriously, no one wants to fucking live inside Culver City...)

Here's the conversation we found in its entirety!...It allll began in 2013...


Tim: Hey, so I saw After Earth this wknd.

Christopher: How'd that hapen? 
Tim: My mom made me see it with her.

Christopher: Why?

Tim: She loves Will Smith.

Christopher: Oh.
  
  ... Why?

Tim: I don't knwo.

Christopher: Was it as bad as every single critic on the Earth has said? Was it the complete waste of time, space, money, energy, and fossil fuels one would expect based on the trailer?

Tim: Somehow it was worse.

Christopher: "Somehow"? You DID say Will Smith is in it, right?

Tim: The movie was terrible. It was one of the worst films I've ever seen. I atually committed suicide half-way thru it, but Lord Buddha felt I should not yet leave my mother and forced me back to endure the rest of it. So I'm thinking of killing M. Night Shymalalan...and Will Smith.

Christopher: Woh, woh...AFTER EARTH WAS AN M. NIGHT MOVIE?!!?!? 

Tim: Yeah. The most interesting thing M. Night Shamalonian's brain has produced since Sixth Sense was, I dunno, serotonin maybe. 

  And I think Sony was trying to keep it secret he was on it.
 
Christopher: Those basterds!
 
Tim: Yeah! Wot a load of pube-lickers!
 
Christopher: Why's your mom such a big Will Smith fan? Did he boink her?
 
Tim: No, you muntjac, she grew up watching his movies. So she likes to see anything he's in.
 
Christopher: What's her favorite ?
 
Tim: Her favorite Will Smith film?
 
Christopher: Yeah.
 
Tim: I'm not 100% sure, but I think she once said it's White Men Can't Jump.
 
Christopher: What?
 
Tim: Yeah, it's either White Men Can't Jump or that Wong Foo movie.
 
Christopher: AHAHAHHAHA -- idiot!
 
Tim: ??
 
Christopher: That's Wesley Snipes! Your mom likes Wesley Snipes!! Not Will Smith!!
 
Tim: What the fuck. Hold on...
 
Christopher: Your mom's stupid!
 
Tim: GODDAMN IT! I just Goggled it. You're right. So I fuckin sat though that horrid After Earth heap of cold dung for NOTHING! A movie which made me reconsider having children b/c I wouldn't them to accidentally suffer my fate should they be up at 2am some night accidentally watching the Flix channel.
 
Christopher: Sony sucks.
 
Tim: They totally suck. I'm going to get even with them for this. I vow it!
 
Christopher: You gonna go all Blade 2 on their asses.

Tim ...fuck you, Chris...fuck you.

Christopher: Don't blame me for this...After Earth isn't my fault.

Tim: Well, I can blame Will Smith. Although he's already been punished. Jaden seems to be a total d-bag.

Screen Cap of the Original Hacker E-mails

Christopher: Maybe Will'll be forced to be in a superhero movie by DC.

Tim: AUGGH! No. Full blame lays upon Sony.

Christopher: SONY MUST GO DOWN!

Tim: Yes...yes, they must.

And there you have it! The real story. And it's far more realistic than thinking for even a second that anyone in North Korea has the capabilities of hacking a major U.S. corporation like Sony. Which is really a Japanese corporation. Which, come to think of it, would be really stupid -- I mean, they're RIGHT NEXT DOOR!

Perhaps the next move is to figure our where that Godzilla fella wants to invade in his upcoming sequel...Oh wait, that's Warner Bros. -- Sony had that taken from them too.

This Guy Named Sony? He’s a Hack – Part 3 – Shonda Rhimes

If you think the Sony e-mails were bad, wait 'til you see what I uncovered.

 

Myself and the Z!TV team went to work, trying to do what the FBI has not -- namely, gone after Shonda Rhimes.

 

The hackers were an easy target (see next post, coming soon!) so we went after someone who may have possibly perhaps overreacted to the Sony e-mails (click for the explanation — no bitching allowed if you don't).

 

Rhimes' reaction to a leaked convo (wherein the white Hollywood moguls-cum-no-guls poked fun at Obama for, essentially, being black) between Sony's Amy Pascal and Executive Hosebag Scott Rudin, p.g.a., was exactly what Daily Mail and Vulture hoped to create:

 

Calling Sony comments"racially insensitive remarks" instead of "racist"? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don't make it a sundae. — shonda rhimes (@shondarhimes) December 11, 2014

 

The lemmings went for it. I feel otherwise about the e-mail exchange.

 

Certain that Shonda — the creator of TV series Scandal and Grey's Anatomy and also a black woman — doesn't see race and would never ever purposefully and calculatedly create a series where people of all colors of the rainbow are friends and lovers and in which strong-on-the-outside-but-destroyed-on-the-inside black women are the leads, we thought perhaps we could dig up something in her e-mail exchanges.

 

Here's what we found:

 

We start with the most scandalous! Rhimes finally drops the public façade!

We not only learn how Shonda helps Scandal star Washington keep her incredible good looks, but we now get some insight into how Grey’s Anatomy’s own McDreamy, Patrick Dempsey, is able to give us the incredible performances we see from him week after week after week…

The next occurred early on in the production/casting process of the Scandal series pilot. Shonda's all "bidness" this time...but for good reason (looks like she'd picked up a possible stalker):

 

This exchange from 2012, between ABC exec Paul Lee and Rhimes, is utterly shocking. We learn a hard truth about Rhimes’ loyalties…

 

Now, about those hackers...not to worry...we've got their e-mail conversation coming up. You'll be shocked and dismayed. Especially if your name is Will Smith. Turns out, this is all his fault.

 

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This Guy Named Sony? He’s A Hack – Part 2

OK, I’m admitting it: Z!TV (this blog) hacked Sony.

 

I wanted to find new information, things the Big Hack did not uncover. You know, actual news.

 

You see, here’s the thing, the way Variety and MSNBC have, just like the tabloid sites, reveled in revealing all this “news,” someone needs to make it clear: There’s very little actual news in the Sony hack.

 

"Reporting" that people of one race make insensitive jokes about someone of another race when nobody outside their circle is looking, is not news. It’s shitty, yes, but it’s not news.

 

Black people joke about how white people are all uptight and like to watch New Girl and need to have their dressing on the side and came this close to making Cuba Gooding, Jr. a big star.

 

Cuba Gooding Jr. Tries in Vein to Protect Himself From The Virus
Which Killed Marisa Tomei's Career

White people joke about how black people are all “big ass” this and “phat ass” that and eat too much fast food and came this close to making Terrence Howard a big star. (That’s actually not true. White people say, “Terrence who?” And then go, “Oh, I never saw that movie.”)

 

Asians joke about stupid white children.

 

The Cherokee make fun of the Kiowa.

 

The Hindi-speakers make fun of those speaking Urdu.

 

Klingons hate on the Romulans.

 

Marvels make fun of DCs.

 

Cats laugh at dogs.

 

It’s human nature. And, yeah, it’s upsetting, it can twist your insides.

 

But so can Taco Bell, and yet we still go and get it every now and again. Why? Because the ease of having spent 5 bucks for more food than a child in Detroit will see in a year is just too good to pass up. (Seriously…can someone freakin’ help out Detroit?!)

 

We’ll get back to bashing Variety and MSNBC below, but, keep in mind, the part of this hack scandal that is news? It’s that these people who make a million-plus a year weren’t smart enough to have the sorts of convos they were having through their office e-mails through their personal e-mail instead.

 

If you’re going to talk shit about someone, take it offline, people!

 

The author of this post was once having a secret relationship with a supervisor of his (secret because that was frowned upon). Sending e-mails which read “I’m thinking about suckling the underside of your left breast” might very well set off a few alarms. As such, a typical exchange, on the office e-mail servers, went more like this:

 

Guy: Hey, I have a package for you at my cubicle.

Girl Boss: You do? What kind of package?

Guy: A big package. I just found it here, under my desk.

People with Packages are Bad

Girl Boss: Oh. Under your desk, huh? That’s an odd place.

Guy: Yeah. And…wait. Hold on. I think the package is getting…bigger.

Girl Boss: Really? That’s weird. How’d it get bigger?

Guy: I don’t know, but you better come over here, it’s not going to fit under the desk much longer.

Girl Boss: In that case, could you please bring it to my office? It’s just about lunch time, and I’d like to get to this package before I feel all filled up.

Guy: Be right there!

 

See? How hard is that? (Which, of course, makes me think of another exchange…)

 

Scouring the info of the Sony hack, we did uncover some actual news. Here are the top 3 pieces on newsworthy tidbits from the Sony hack!

 

1. Nobody is Safe from the Attacks of Sony Pictures President Doug Belgrad

 

While the country is still reeling from — and crowds of protestors continue to march against — the many attacks of Billy Cosby, it looks like Sony Pictures Prexy Doug Belgrad has skirted under the radar.

 

Our hack revealed Belgrad personally fingered every single employee
lunch. That’s right, whether it’s yogurt, a sandwich, or leftover Thai food from a failed first date the night before last, Belgrad takes a bite out of every single lunch in the break room.

 

2. Sony refuses to hire trained marmosets.

 

In an e-mail exchange between the HR department and a marmoset applying for a position in accounting, the HR rep wrote as follows: 

 

Dear Stanley [the Marmoset]:

We thank you for your interest, but Sony is unable to offer you a position at this time.

While we do not wish to cast aspersions on those from the animal kingdom, we have discovered, as a result of past partnerships with Kevin James, we are just not equipped to employ a marmoset. Also, you’re a marmoset.

Sincerely,
Sony Pictures HR

 

 3. Even the biggest websites have no idea what part of all this is news:

 

Adam Howard, over at MSNBC’s site, somehow misinterpreted George Clooney’s not-so-subtle reference to the U.S. government’s citizen-spying program as a “prediction” of the hack:

 

Clooney wrote Pascal, “I’m so excited to do this film, and
for those of you listening in … I’m the son of a news man.”

 

Variety so-very-happily pointed out in its hack headline (that’s a double entendre there, folks!) that Scott Rudin is apparently “nasty” and “insulting.” Um, guys at Variety? Because we enjoy harping on this, we’d again like to point out: This has NOT BEEN NEWS FOR 20 YEARS!:

 

CLICK TO READ: SCOTT RUDIN IS A TOTAL DICK - Spy Magazine, Dec. 1996:  

 

 This is apparently Scott Rudin:

 

 And this is apparently Scott Rudin:

 

So, in sum, this tidbit of information hasn’t been news since Frank Whaley was someone people wanted starring in movies.

 

In our next post, you’ll see what our other hack revealed. Yes, we know who’s behind it, and we hacked the hackers!...And Shonda Rhimes!

 

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This Guy Named Sony? He’s A Hack

The news is everywhere. Sony was hacked!

 

And before Amy Pascal leaves Sony “for personal reasons,” we wanted to launch a couple of hacks of our own!

 

So the massive Z!TV cyber tech crew went to work!

First, we went after Kevin Hart!

 

That’s right. Because Hollywood and whiners continue crying over the conversation where Hart, a whore, was accidentally called an “actor” in an e-mail from Sony’s Clint Culpepper, we felt it important to look into the actor’s exchanges with people on his team about Sony executives.

 

To give a little bit of context, Kevin Hart is no more nor less a whore than any other actor. Actors all make their living by whoring themselves out for money. When Hart was holding social media promotions hostage from Culpepper, the exec who leads a Sony group called “Screen Gems” (producing such gems as the movies “Burlesque,” “Country Strong,” and “Thinking Like A Man Again: Electric Boogaloo”), the exec got angry.

Kevin Hart Reacts to His Makeup Test For Another
"Think Like A Man" Sequel

 

For those not in the film industry, “angry” is the normal state of being for a film producer or executive.

 

Here’s what we found in our Hart attack:

HART: Hey, I hear  that d-bag called me a whore?

MANAGER: Which d-bag?

HART: The one that got hacked.

MANAGER: You are a whore.

HART: That’s offensive.

MANAGER: Why?

HART: Cuz he called me a whore!

MANAGER: You ARE a whore!

HART: I ain’t no whore, bitch! I do stand up at anyplace that’ll pay my price, and I now comand [sic] top doller [sic] for movies after having to do crap Scary Movies, and now I’m all up in them sequels like Think Like A Man 3 and Space Jam 2!!

MANAGER: Right. Whore.

HART: …

HART: Shit.

MANAGER: Hey, Sony’s remaking Tootsie w/Kevin James. You want in?

HART: $$?

MANAGER: 2.5 – best friend/roommate

HART: days on set?

MANAGER: 15

HART: Make it 10, no wkends. Done.

MANAGER: right.

 

Z!TV also hacked Sony. No, no, not the original hack you’ve read about. We wanted to find new information, things the hack did not uncover. You know, actual news.

 

So what constitutes news?

 

Reporting that Scott Rudin is a dick is not news. Scott Rudin’s been a dick for years. The ’90s film Swimming With Sharks is based on working for Rudin:

(Rudin has reportedly mellowed. To vent his anger, he no longer beats on underlings. He now goes to yoga classes, meditates, and prefers to even lead classes, where, while people are in downward facing dog pose, he punt-kicks them in the groin. Oh, and FYI: people in NYC pay prime dollar for this — seriously, that dude can make a buck off of anything.)

 

Come back to see what our Sony Hack found!

 

Prince William and Kate Middleton Make a Mockery of Fun

Prince Willy and his wife, Kate “Looks Don’t Matter” Middleton, are in NYC! And every single thing they’re doing is to benefit charity. 

Boy, they just take the take piss right out of going on holiday! (We’re pretty sure we’re not using that right, Brits, but we don’t care.)

Makes you want to give a new meaning to “your highness.” Get us a few “Grape Ape”-infused brownies from the dispensery, and let’s make this fun (although rumor has it Middleton likes to toke on a little “Old Mother” to clear her head). And if you think we’re just being snide, consider the fact that the couple arrived in New York City Sunday afternoon to attend a meeting in Washington, D.C. come Monday.  OK, wait…maybe they are high!    

Actually, just the Prince’ll be heading down to the nerve center of U.S. government works: yes, the Kabob House on P Street. He’ll be meeting with Prez Obama, who’ll probably present his Royal Low-Ness with a gift, like he did with the queen a few years back (to whom Mr. Obama gave, we’re not kidding, an iPod).   

We would like to suggest something befitting a current world leader passing along some knowledge to a world-leading figurehead of the future:  

Game of Thrones Season 3 - Limited Edition

Once the heir to the crone returns to his dimply wife from D.C., the boy prince’ll be meeting with Hilary and Chelsea Clinton (that’s right, the fun Clintons.), also for some charity-giving importance (The Tusk Trust).

While hubby is letting it all hang loose at the British consul’s home with 2016′s democratic disappointment, Kate’ll be joining NYC’s First Lady (i.e., the mayor’s wife) in Harlem for a different charity visit…as if there’d be any other reason a royal would be in Harlem (well, OK, maybe she’ll follow it up with some shopping at Dr. Jay’s, get herself a Baby Phat zip hoodie).

Where the Royals Shop While in NYC

The pair will also be heading to Brooklyn for a Nets game. Considering Princey Boy will be in D.C. earlier that day, and anyone who’s ever even just passed through New York City knows that the snarling traffic in and out of Brooklyn would require a 5- to 6-hour lead time to get to the game in time, we’d like to recommend the following, courtesy of HopStop.com:   

 

 

On the plus side of things, with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge in The Big Influenza, the Ebola State, NYC, there’s a really great listing on AirBnB:  

 

Click for the AirBnB Details -- Stay in the 2nd-Best Castle in Kensington!

In honor of Bill Cosby...We Present Cee-Lo Green

The recent allegations which have surfaced and resurfaced and re-resurfaced against Dr. William H. "Bill" Cosby, have reminded us of this wonderful story (from our other blog) where one-hit-wonder CeeLo Green essentially admits to taking advantage of women while unconscious...

And he then goes on to say that it's OK that he does that, because he apparently believes being unconscious is the same as giving consent. No, really, that's what he's trying to say...

----

CeeLo Green, possibly best known as the tiny assistant to Mr. Roarke on 1970s TV hit "Fantasy Island," seems to have decided rape is AOK, admitted to doing it, and even added that rape's not always rape, saying via Twitter:

“If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously, so WITH Implies consent."

This Tweet has been seen thousands of times thanks to one Twitter user posting the above image of CeeLo's Twitter feed, which was soon picked up by news outlets nationally.

Z!TV has called in a grammarian from the U.K. Etymological Institute of Phonetic Alphabetic Grammar and Preposterous Phraseology, ready to parse out CeeLo's words to prove our point. The grammarian representative studied CeeLo's Twitter messages, researched his background—including details of his so-called singing career—and, after much internal discourse, came to the following conclusion:

"CeeLo's an asshole."

Further study was then conducted independently by Z!TV; we uncovered that the Tweet essentially implies or states four things:

1. Someone was passed out with CeeLo (see the details of his recent court case).
2. CeeLo states if one is "passed out" and with you, it means they're not conscious of being with you.
3. So, OK, if "with" implies consent, then her unconscious state—per CeeLo's own definition—means she gave no consent.
4. Hence, he admitted to raping her, even after arguing w/Twitter users that there is no "plausible proof." What a guy.
According to Newsweek, CeeLo removed his Tweet, and the one which followed, where he stated, "People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” As we know, removing the Tweet admonishes you in the eyes of CeeLo's god, whom he references frequently.

Said God, "Fuck that doucheburger. He better watch it now."

Other deleted Tweets by CeeLo include:

"I didnt blow the 12 men who said I did, b/c none of them were conscious when I did it."

----

"Nobody else gets it: When U have T-rex arms, its SO difficult to masturbate. #BackScratchersHurt"

 ----

"Im wider than I am tall. So it AOK I drug an rape women!!! RT cuz im coolest. #TVStarsDontDoJailTime"

 ---- 

"Backstsage at #TheVoice, having consensual sex with lil boys. I make sure theyre unconscious, so itz kool. #LuvGod" 

----

 "Midget hooker I paid got down on her knees and looked me right in the eyes to tell me im despicable #Soshort"

 ---- 

"Pop-Tarts are not self-aware so i can eat em all day and still be in great shape #ShapedLikeaHippetyHop" [Link to arcane reference here.]

 ---- 

"@JohnStamos - Y U WONT STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS?! Want to do it 'consensually'?"

 ---- 

"only just found out doin' it doggystyle dont mean I need to have a doggy. But cant get this Lhasa Apso off mah ass. @CesarMilan #DogSlippedMeSomethin"

 ---- 

"Feel bad for @JustinBeiber, way he always disgracing his family/mother. #iGiveMyMomE"

 ---- 

"i aint fat...just explained to Doc, all pork i eat is unconscious when i eat it, so its not able to make you fat."

 ---- 

"Pls remember, we all make mistakes an we all just human...some of us just more rapey humans than others."

CeeLo has since left Twitter. His fans are standing behind him—like, way, way behind him. Some have even started a fund: SendCeeLoIntoOuterSpace.org.


-30-

Note: The above is satire. Celebrity tweets are 100% fake...but the first 2 quotes from CeeLo, per Newsweek and Twitter, are REAL.

Allison Williams is Almost a Man!

Allison Williams, who will be heading up NBC’s live production of Peter Pan later in the holiday season, is looking a little more manly than we’re used to seeing.

Allison Williams as Freddy Mercury

The perhaps too-pretty-to-be-believed-as-Peter-Pan actress can be seen below in an image for what must be her upcoming stint as Freddy Mercury. We think she and the production team have hit it on the head.

Lena Dunham, with whom Williams co-stars in HBO’s Girls, reportedly said of the manly transformation, “I still win.”

See the trailer:

 

HBO's Lena Dunham Regrets Using Sexual Predator

 

Judd Apatow lap dog and star of HBO's children's series, Girls (What? It's called "Girls," it must be for kids!), Lena Dunham came under the second-least necessary fire on Twitter recently for her pre-adolescent sexual ineptitude.

Dunham, clearly a white, female CeeLo Green-like predator, first defended herself on Twitter, then released a more formal statement to the website of magazine Time, thus ensuring extra clicks to — and plenty of extra attention and online mentions of — a site owned by the parent company of HBO.

The purely political move served its purpose: Today on Twitter, everyone is talking about the just-announced sequel Toy Story 4 (admittedly, alleged sexual predatory actions will and always should be overshadowed by Pixar movie announcements).

Dunham's statement to Time is below. It's very possible, even likely, we made a host of changes to it...

I am dismayed over the recent interpretation of events described in my book "Not That Kind of Girl: But One Slightly More Icky."

First and foremost, I want to be very clear that I do not condone any kind of abuse under any circumstances. Not even if it's one of those "Real Housewives" people — who could use a swift kick in the ass for sure.

Childhood sexual abuse is a life-shattering event for so many, and I have been vocal about the rights of survivors. ... I am also aware that the comic use of the term “sexual predator” was insensitive, and I’m sorry for that as well. But, come on, when a 28-year-old woman makes a comment about being a 7-year-old sexual predator, that's totally funny, right? It's like the kind of funny where you don't really laugh, but you sort of quietly chortle, because there's absolutely no way that I was a predator at the age of seven, unless of course I was horribly twisted by my hippie parents in ways only the Manson family or Art Garfunkel could understand.

Keep in mind of course that, at the age of 28, my frontal lobe may still not be fully developed; I've always developed more slowly than my contemporaries (see: any interview with Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Watson, then watch me. It's sad, really.). I'm also only just now taking writing courses for the first time. As is the editor of my book, who really should have marked that passage. Like, seriously, right?!

As for my sibling, Grace, she is my best friend, and anything I have written about her has been published with her approval. Come next week, I'll be snipping off the zip ties around her wrists and ankles and giving her to the count of 100 to get as far away as she can. She'll have access to Twitter.

Yeah. That should clear it all up. Z!TV is glad to have done its part in support of Dunham (who, in all seriousness, we really do support on this...even tho' you couldn't make us watch her series Girls, not even if we were threatened and told we'd have to read Dunham's book).

-30-  

Image used for parody purposes. Credit: New York Magazine

Toy Story 4 Is Going to Make a Sh!tlo@d of Money For Disney/Pixar

Disney Pixar has released information about the upcoming extension of their small but growing film family.

 

As the struggling mom 'n' pop company tries to grow and compete with larger competitors, the Disney family is trying something new in Hollywood: a thing called a "sequel," thus extending the concept of a film into what they call a "franchise."

 

 

 

This is so rarely done in Hollywood, that it is clearly a big gamble. The film, currently entitled "Toy Story 4," picks up from the previous installment about a lovable cowboy doll and his space ranger/action figure friend/secret lover.

 

In a statement reported on Variety's website, Director John Lasseter is reported to have said, "We don't want to do anything with [the Toy Story characters] unless it lives up to or surpasses what's gone before...But when Andrew, Pete, Lee and I came up with this new idea, I just could not stop thinking about it."

 

For those who do not work in the film industry, we offer a translation:

 

"When the team had it's 47th company-mandated meeting on further exploiting the Toy Story franchise, we were pleased that we finally came up with something the suits felt was marketable, that Disney could easily turn into a licensing frenzy. Seriously. You ain't seen marketing like this. Not even for Star Wars. Disney is bringing in an entire marketing group just for the licensing of this flick. And, this time, I've got a sweet back-end deal, so I get big bucks almost right out of the gate. I'm gonna be rich, bitch...not the kind of rich I am now. I mean, like, buying-ownership-of-those-people-who-run-around-Disneyland-in-those-costumes-and-having-them-come-back-to-my-place-to-perform-for-my-pleasure kind of rich. Fuck yeah."

 

The film is set to release in June 2017, one month after the studio's Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and, in a "take that, bitches" move, right around the time DC/WB releases whatever movie will replace the likely cancelled Justice League film.

-30-

Lena Dunham Secures 'Girls' -- It's a Scandal!

Lena Dunham stunned the Internet this week when she admitted to being a child and, while being a child, did strange, even stupid, things.

Dunham at her MOST offensive

Dunham apparently admits in her recently published memoir that she, like many children, was curious about all them parts we boys and girls have. Dunham, wondering a bit about the girl parts, at the randy age of 7, apparently took a moment to sneak a peek at her baby sister when mom wasn't looking. According to Dunham's book, the HBO star "spread open [the baby's] vagina."

Awkward and a little creepy, no doubt. But, at 7, this kind of curiosity is normal, and the expression of it almost never is.

Sexually repressed, and apparently very jealous writer, Kevin Williamson was the person who called Dunham out as a sexual offender in an article which starts off by implying Dunham shouldn't be trusted because she grew up in a very expensive home in New York City.

Keep in mind, of course, this is a man with some serious, some really, really serious anger issues.

Adults around the world who pretended that they've never had awkward sexual (pre-)adolescent situations (the kind which coined the phrase "You show me yours, I'll show you mine" and are depicted in "Free to Be You And Me"...by babies) were offended.

In defense of the accusers, Dunham went on to say she, later on in life, would bribe her little sis with three pieces of candy if she would allow her to "kiss her on the lips for five seconds." Her apparently tone deaf editor, forgetting that she was editing the words of a 28-year-old who, like most, can't think beyond the now, allowed Ms. Dunham to then explain that she was doing "anything a sexual predator might do to woo a small suburban girl."

So, yeah, this started a Twitter shit-storm in Lena Dunham's general direction. A shit-storm of accusers, victims, activists, and also a few people who wanted to know if she was that character "Seven," the little blonde boy who popped up in a few annoying episodes of Married with Children.

Dunham explained, in a simple Twitter reply, that the accusations are "really fucking ... disgusting."

But what's most telling is that the first place Lena turned to the next day to make a statement was Time magazine — owned by the same company which owns HBO, the home of Dunham's overrated series, Girls.

Sounds like there may have been a conversation which had to do with securing Dunham's HBO show for the future. You can read the Time magazine statement here. Or you can read our completely phony summary, coming tomorrow.

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Image used for parody purposes.

SHOCKER: NFL AOK With People Getting KO’d…(Until Enough Folks Call ’Em On It)

The NFL, known the world over for its altruistic support of artists who need to express themselves through sport, is surprisingly AOK with people getting hit.

Well, you know, until putting some PR spin on the situation is called for.

Most recently, video surfaced — thanks to investigative journalistic juggernaut and bastion of Fourth Estate integrity TMZ (which would never lower itself to paying for information but, rather, gets it the old-fashioned way: threats) — wherein NFL football running back Ray Rice is seen violently attacking his wife. But, hey, here's an important fact the news organizations keep harping on: She was really just his fiancée at the time. If you're wondering what the relevance is of this teensy bit of info — like, what, did the beating hurt less because they weren't yet married? — it's really quite simple: Tossing in as much sensationalistic detail as inhumanly possible is what helps keep things deliciously salacious. They want you to tune in for more.


Anyhoo, back to that guy who we hope has CTE: The video is the second such attack video featuring NFL player Rice. In a previous security video, also released by TMZ, Rice is seen dragging his unconscious wife out of the elevator which, as we now know, is where the altercation began.

Z!TV has not posted either the elevator video nor the “aftermath” video, because your local and national news organizations are too busy using them to get you to watch whatever “further coverage” of the story they can wring out. As such, both videos were checked out of the library, and we couldn’t get a copy.

In this most-recent video of Rice — apparently a man only on the outside — that polyp on the anal gland of the NFL is seen punching his wife twice in the elevator; she then falls to the floor unconscious.

People have expressed disgust via Twitter, with celebrities weighing in:

[NOTE TO HTML CODER: Insert inane opinion #1 from a dumb celebrity here]

[NOTE TO HTML CODER: Insert even more inane opinion #2 from a stupider celebrity here]

After the initial “dragging” video surfaced, the NFL suspended Rice for two games. A much-maligned punishment which clearly demonstrated the many problems of having old men sit in a room and make decisions about the rules by which a bunch of young men who smack the shit out each other for a living must live by.

The NFL commissioner, Roger Something, apologized after public outcry, stating, “We were really just looking out for our bottom line. We didn’t realize it could cost us even more in bad PR.”

The NFL thus made changes in their “Beating Up Your Spouses” rules — namely, it’s still OK to do it, but the NFL’s going to really, really punish their players for it, because lots of people will probably hear about it. So they might even be out for a full season (or less).

Yet, while that half-assed mea culpa was released via a press conference, there was no additional punishment put in place for Rice. However, once the new violent video within the elevator surfaced, the NFL commissioner said, “Oh, we didn’t know he fucking hit her! Yeah, we just thought maybe she fainted at the site of his incredibly tiny penis. Or, like, ate a bag of party snack mix and had a bad reaction to some peanuts in it. And, well, while dragging your wife out of an elevator isn’t exactly the Heimlich maneuver, we couldn’t really know for sure that something bad went down. I mean, seriously. How could we know he did anything quite so repugnant? He makes a living playing a running back, the only position in the game of football which requires absolutely no pummeling of fellow human beings at all.”

His pants on fire and nose grown to two meters in length, the commish then turned his attention to negotiating acceptable hush-money amounts for the concussion lawsuit litigants — all 4,000 of them — a case which is still pending.

The commish then blew Tom Brady, part of an agreement reached with the New England Patriots quarterback who on a recent CNBC appearance encouraged parents to have their kids play football, because the likelihood of real brain injury is low. Said Brady, “Concussions are just a part of the toad plant burger jolly Fahrvergnügen. Belly.”


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TMZ and NFL logos belong to their respective
companies and are used for parody purposes.

Scientists, L.A. Courts Discover New Lowest Lifeform on Earth: CeeLo Green

*Warning: This Post Contains Naughty Words!*

CeeLo Green, possibly best known as the tiny assistant to Mr. Roarke on 1970s hit “Fantasy Island,” seems to have decided rape is AOK, admitted to doing it, and even adding that rape’s not always rape, saying via Twitter:
 
“If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously, so WITH Implies consent.”

 

 

His Tweet has been seen thousands of times thanks to one Twitter user posting the above image of CeeLo’s Twitter feed, which was soon picked up by news outlets nationally.
 
Z!TV has called in a grammarian from the U.K. Etymological Institute of Phonetic Alphabetic Grammar and Preposterous Phraseology, ready to parse out CeeLo’s words to prove our point. The grammarian representative studied CeeLo’s Twitter messages, researched his background—including details of his so-called singing career—and, after much internal discourse, came to the following conclusion:
 
“CeeLo’s an asshole.”
 
Further study was then conducted independently by Z!TV; we uncovered that the Tweet essentially implies or states four things:

 

1. Someone was passed out with CeeLo (see the details of his recent court case).

2. CeeLo states if one is “passed out” and with you, it means they’re not conscious of being with you.

3. So, OK, if “with” implies consent, then her unconscious state—per CeeLo’s own definition—means she gave no consent.

4. Hence, he admitted to raping her, even after arguing w/Twitter users that there is no “plausible proof.” What a guy.


According to Newsweek, CeeLo removed his Tweet, and the one which followed, where he stated, “People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” As we know, removing the Tweet admonishes you in the eyes of CeeLo’s god, whom he references frequently.
 
Said God, “Fuck that doucheburger. He better watch it now.”
 
Other deleted Tweets by CeeLo include:

 

“I didnt blow the 12 men who said I did, b/c none of them were conscious when I did it.”  --@CeeLoGreen

“Nobody else gets it: When U have T-rex arms, its SO difficult to masturbate. #BackScratchersHurt” --@CeeLoGreen

“Im wider than I am tall. So it AOK I drug an rape women!!! RT cuz im coolest. #TVStarsDontDoJailTime” --@CeeLoGreen

“Backstsage at #TheVoice, having consensual sex with lil boys. I make sure theyre unconscious, so itz kool. #LuvGod” --@CeeLoGreen
 
“Midget hooker I paid got down on her knees and looked me right in the eyes to tell me im despicable #Soshort” --@CeeLoGreen

“Pop-Tarts are not self-aware so i can eat em all day and still be in great shape #ShapedLikeaHippetyHop” [Link to arcane reference here.]  --@CeeLoGreen

“@JohnStamos – Y U WONT STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS?! Want to do it ‘consensually’?”
--@CeeLoGreen
 
“only just found out doin’ it doggystyle dont mean I need to have a doggy. But cant get this Lhasa Apso off mah ass. @CesarMilan #DogSlippedMeSomethin”  --@CeeLoGreen
 
“Feel bad for @JustinBeiber, way he always disgracing his family/mother. #iGiveMyMomE”
--@CeeLoGreen
 
“i aint fat…just explained to Doc, all pork i eat is unconscious when i eat it, so its not able to make you fat.” --@CeeLoGreen

“Pls remember, we all make mistakes an we all just human…some of us just more rapey humans than others.” --@CeeLoGreen


CeeLo has since left Twitter. His fans are standing behind him—like, way, way behind him. Some have even started a fund: SendCeeLoIntoOuterSpace.org.




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Note: The above is satire. Celebrity tweets are 100% fake…
but the first 2 quotes from CeeLo, per Newsweek and Twitter, are REAL.

Nicki Manaj say ‘F**k That!’ Anaconda

*This post contains adult language.*

Nicki Manaj released her new video Anaconda which may be about a man’s penis — although there are no reports to confirm this yet. Within 24 hours the video has had more than 15-million views on social media site YouTube. In the video, Manaj and a bevy of women in tiny shorts hump the air and wriggle and writhe and glide and slide all in an effort to show off how bouncy their bottoms are amidst a variety of phallic imagery, including of course an anaconda snake.

 

Critics have said that the video sets back women 100 years.

 

That it sets back black women 500 years.

 

That it promotes racial stereotyping, is unattractive, poorly performed, badly sung, ridiculously overproduced, horribly auto-tuned and terribly lip-synced — and that was just in the press release from her label.

 

However, two groups of fans of Minaj have defended her work — boys between the ages of 15 and 19, for instance, have been extremely hard…on her critics, calling them “douches” and “gay.” When we tried to reach one teenage boy for comment we were told “GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! GET OUT! GET OUUUUT!!!”

 

Her other supporters seem to be slutty girls, most of which explain “You judgmental haters gon hate.”

 

In the nearly 5-minute song there is approximately 17 seconds of original music and
[continued below]

 

 

 

lyrics, the rest of it being co-opted (er, “sampled”) from Sir Mix a Lot — the rapper himself is given no credit whatsoever, nor even a cameo. Some of those few original lyrics go as follows, “Fuck the skinny bitches, fuck the skinny bitches in the cluh [sic], I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club. Fuck you skinny bitches.”

 

Upon reflection, Manaj’s next single will be called “It’s been pointed out to me that I have anger issues, and I am clearly overcompensating for a poor self-body image. Sorry, everyone. Fuck the buh…Fuck Fuck.”

 

We at Z!TV look forward to its release.

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