Miranda & Blake Attacked By Sharks -- And We Don't Mean Divorce Lawyers

Country singers Blake Shelton and Miranda Something released the following statement about their recently signed divorce papers: "This is not the future we envisioned ... it is with heavy hearts that we move forward separately. ... [W]e kindly ask for privacy and compassion concerning this very personal matter."

The first to honor this request was Us Weekly which went through their lives with a fined-tooth comb (around which some wax paper was affixed to turn it into some kind of kazoo-like instrument to form the beginnings of a Country jug band) and a bottle of moonshine (see, that's where you get said jugs for said band).

Us not only listed every single pet the couple is expected to split between their two households but they even included pets they apparently don't have (according to their own sources [and besting TMZ in the pet-info category]).

HollywoodLife.com was so respectful, not to mention "heartbroken," over the split, they analyzed every single appearance and Instagram post from the singers that they could gather up. And then, just to prove they were "really sad," asked fans if they "predicted ... [the] divorce." Because nothing shows you care about the feelings of a (former) couple going through strife than an Internet poll that asks how many people predicted the split. Also, a link on the home page to every intrusive, analytical, ball-busting Blake & Miranda article they've posted is another great way in which they show they care.

People magazine's website portends to have proof that Shelton has a sense of humor, using as an example this tweet from his Twitter account: "Just got off the treadmill. This calls for a drink. Bitch..."

The article detailing Shelton's "joke" not only links readers to two more articles (each posted within 24 hours of the first) about the most important divorce in the history of humankind -- and, yes, we're including Sonny & Cher, Don Draper & the young Megan FrenchieLeBleu, and of course Betty & Barney Rubble (the rumored affair with Shmoo was never confirmed) -- but People also links us to bios on both Shelton and petite blonde ex-wife Kristen Chenoweth Kelly Ripa Miranda Lambert as well as their respective Twitter pages and a page which has a video montage of fans' reactions to the couple's split.

Fans were indeed shocked over the announcement. The couple had been together for a staggering amount of time -- four whole years. In entertainment industry conversion, that amounts to about 36 years to you and me. Add in the fact that both are Country singers, who probably had to listen to each other's music from time to time, and it probably felt like 50.

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Photo used for parody purposes. 

Bill Cosby, He Should've Stuck To 'Himself'

Reprinted from earlier blog, 11/20/2014

Bill Cosby. Yes, the only thing on Earth scarier to an actress than being told "The audition is at 3p.m...in my RV, behind the Denny's...with Willem Defoe." The world's most prolific rapist has been under quite a bit of well-deserved fire of late.

 

Victims continue to come forward detailing scenarios under which the comedian sexually assaulted them. Considering that this is the man who once told young black men wearing their jeans down around their groins to "pull their pants up," we can't help but enjoy the irony...since that is really the only part of this story one can "enjoy."

 

Although, perhaps there's this: Cosby's recent deals with Netflix and NBC, for a standup special and a new sitcom respectively, have both — like the proverbial noise on the new car you've just brought into the shop — gone away.

 

Although he continues to perform to sold-out crowds, it looks like The Cos is about to take his final bow if the court of public opinion has anything to say about it.

 

Here're the details: Our perverted Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr., Ph.D., apparently enjoys inviting young women back to hotel rooms while on tour, then offering them a drink and a pill. In story after story, women detail awakening to Cosby dressing, wrapping himself in a robe.

 

While it's possible he was just practicing his Himalayan monk chants in full gear while the ladies were out cold on his bed, that seems hardly likely. And it looks like Dr. Cosby's perversions don't end there.

 

We at Z!TV went in search, to see if there were further perverted peccadilloes of Bill Cosby. (You know, because drugging and taking advantage of young women is merely a peccadillo to Mr. Huxtable, who clearly thinks nothing of these [unforgivable] encounters[, you $!%@ing jerk].)

 

What follows is what we uncovered...We felt it necessary to pixelate the images and protect the identities of these others who've come forward.  The first one is especially...chilling...

 

"Dr. Cosby would tell me that his hand was
jealous of his tongue...and,
next thing I know, both are on me. And then he'd make
all sorts of 'pop' puns. It was just gross."

"It was nonstop with him. I was always
being put into situations where I had to touch
him inappropriately."

 

"As an '80s icon myself, you would think
people would listen, but there was, and still is, a
double-standard in our male-dominated society. I can only
hope that now, perhaps Mr. Cosby will see this and,
finally -- finally -- acknowledge his son."

"I don't know how you found me. No comment...NO COMMENT, I SAID!"

This victim who reached out to Z!TV required we further ensure his anonymity...

"Cosby is a gross, awful, horrid, disgusting, maniacal reprobate, and these 'colors' on me and on
my peers and workmates? They're not a 'pattern,' they're not a 'design.' 
We covered Mr. Huxtable's torso, but he covered us... These 'designs,' they're (and I know you
won't believe me), but they're Cosby's own designer semen! Yes, Bill Cosby has
DESIGNER SEMEN! And it's on all of us! It might even be on you!
And, my god, it doesn't wash out...it doesn't ever wash out!!"

Just as interesting is this video unearthed by ABC News (via the AP). At the end of it, Cosby tries to manipulate the young reporter into touching him in front of his wife ensuring the Q&A the reporter sprung on him about rape allegations never sees the light of day.

 

We certainly hope that justice will be served. With Jell-O Pudding Pops waayyy on the side.

 

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Fox News Requires 'Moore' Chlorine From Demi

While Demi Moore searches for a new pool cleaner, Fox News is reporting that Moore could get sued, because a young man died during a typical Hollywood “party” (more on these quotes around “party” later) which took place at her home. Moore was not present at the time, but, according to Fox analysts, California law states she could still be held liable.

Obviously, this is the real news here — the possibility of some Hollywood elitist bitch getting sued — not the accidental death of an innocent young man. 

The fact that this household name and one-time Ashton Kutcher handler might get sued by the wretched refuse of L.A. (aka, non-movie/TV stars. Eww.) is certainly priority news.

Us Weekly, of all places, clarifies the story more: First of all, it turns out the “party” of the ungrateful Hollywood high-and-mighty was a five-person celebration. The victim of the Crime of Hollywood (i.e., having guests over for dinner and drinks) apparently just fell into the pool late at night. He sadly wasn’t discovered until 5:30 a.m.
 

Fox harped on the lawsuit with one analyst discussing it on-set and another being quoted in their article. 

Demi Moore was reportedly in absolute shock over the whole incident. And she wasn’t thrilled with the dead-body-in-the-pool thing either. 

Z!TV apologizes for Fox's lack of empathy...and ours.

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That's Ms. and Mrs. Saldana to You

Zoe Saldana's artist husband, Marco Something, made news this week when we learned he has taken the Guardians of the Galaxy actor's last name when they got married.

Many have wondered about this decision, even Ms. Saldana herself who, according to her interview with InStyle, tried to talk him out of it.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why Ms. Saldana became the family name instead of whatshisface. Not only does it go against, what, like, dozens of years of tradition, but doesn't it imply that Marc (or was it Marco, I forget) whatsisface isn't bringing as much to the table as Ms. Saldana?

But, hey, in terms of the male/female roles in society, it's nice to see that up-ended. 

If this were Iceland, and Zoe dad's first name was Ferlberry (I've never been to Iceland, but I like to imagine Ferlberry is a very popular male name), Zoe's name would be Zoe Ferlberrysdottir. You know, because she's Ferlberry's daughter. 

We decided to actually research this Marko fella's name, just to get it printed in full here at least one time. In analyzing his family tree, although he is mostly of Latin descent, we did actually discover some Icelandic origins and have found that his true full name, currently thought to be Marcko Perego, is actually -- per the norms for all daughters in Iceland -- Marcoh Peregosdottir.
 
Perhaps one day someone will interview Mr. Saldana and ask him about it. But not likely. I mean, you know, while he's completely challenging gender roles in society, nobody actually wants to interview Zoe Saldana's husband, not until he stars in a big franchise feature.



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J Lo Sued For Being Lewd

Jennifer Lopez, says the BBC, is being sued in Morocco for being dressed “scantily” in a concert perf which “disturbed public order and tarnished women’s honor and respect” when it aired on TV. Next to be taken to task: Every man in Morocco.

Yup. Here’s what Frommer’s travel guide warns of female travelers looking to head there: “...Unwanted attention from Moroccan men is unfortunately a possibility... [they] perhaps have a not-so-respectful assumption of them via easily accessible Internet pornography... This generally takes the form of catcalls and straight-up come-ons. Blonde women may be singled out...Moroccan women...regularly put up with catcalls but will never stand for anything more, especially unwanted physical attention such as groping.” 


Which implies that the groping happens often enough to require a mention. 

And all of the above was from a male author at the site. A female author had this to say: “Be wary of large crowds...where young men sometimes get carried away and forget the rules of decorum...In the event that the harassment is elevated (groping, following, aggressive profanity), do not hesitate to use the same defense you would at home (yelling, pushing away, and so on).”

The group suing Morocco is a local educational group...which apparently has forgotten to educate its own male citizens on acting like anything other than a brewed-up 17-year-old who thinks hangin’ in the 7-Eleven parking lot on a school night is a great way to joyride in dad’s Datsun hatchback.

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Mad Men Series Finale - A Mad Men/Animal House Mashup Video!

Both Mad Men and the classic naughty comedy Animal House took place in the 1960s...so what better way to celebrate the end of Mad Men by mimicking the end of Animal House with a "Mad Men Graduating Class" video...

Mayweather vs Pacquiao -- If you Can't Beat the Sh!t Out 'em, Sue 'em!

If you're going to get around $150M to shove your fist in some guy's face over and over and over and over and over and over and over for 12 rounds, over and over, working as hard as you can and sacrificing any remaining brain cells, resulting in random thoughts about your egg cabbage rocking ascot pork, like any brain-damaged boxer, you shouldn't give fans the short shrift.

Yes, this is what Manny Pacquiao is learning, with lawsuits being filed against him following the "fight of the century" -- Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. The fight saw two welter-weight fighters, about 10 years past their prime, face off against one another in 12 rounds of really bad ballroom dancing. 

Manny Pantrynow has, according to E! Online, had a class-action lawsuit filed against hi-- oops, TMZ has just reported another one has been filed. The two suits were filed against Manny PacManOw, because -- uh-oh...looks like a third one was filed. Oh, wait. this just in: Third lawsuit was filed against Floyd Mayweather. More on that later.

Mayweather vs. Ormphby - FALL 2015!

The class-action suits against Manny Pantyhow state that anyone who bought tix to the fight, watched it on cable, bought a beer while viewing it at a bar, spent gas driving to or from a Dick's Sporting Goods, or ever uttered the word "fist" while paying a sex worker is owed money because Manny Patchybrow wasn’t fighting at 100%.

See, Manny Pellegrino went through with the fight in spite of a reported shoulder injury which was reportedly reported to the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency who later reported that his fighting was AOK, but the NSAC reportedly felt the reporting was not OK.

For those not keeping up, a quick Google search reveals the NSAC is the National Sustainable Agriculture Coalition. They advocate for federal reform on natural food-- hm. That can’t be right.

OK, the second result on Google states the NSAC is the National Spiritualist Association of Churches. They believe in "joy, harmony" and something I can only find out by following the Google link, which I’ve not done.

Hm.

Alright, the next Google result states the Nuclear Science Advisory Committee will--

Alright, well whatever the NSAC is, it said no to Manny PeterParkero taking a truckload of drugs to make his shoulder feel like it was at 100%, even though it was at 40% at best, and Manny Practicenow says it was going at 60%, and Louie the Tick says he lost revenues of about 38% of what he could've made and "legs'll be busted."

While a rematch is already in the works for a Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight, Pacquiao v Stupid Fight Fans will probably hit right around the time Batman v Superman underperforms at the box office.

In other news, Floyd Mayweather, convicted wife-beater and multi-millionaire who defended Ray Rice for punching the makeup off his wife in an elevator, is not being sued by fans. Fans support him completely, because any man who can beat the shit out of a woman and a Filipino is AOK in their book.

Even Don Draper Thinks Mayweather's An Asshole (Yeah, this is
an advertisement for a video we've got coming THIS weekend!)

He is however being sued for $20M in a defamation suit by his ex girlfriend. Mayweather, whose name we won't get wrong, because we want everyone to remember the name of the guy who beat his girlfriend in front of her children (this, according to E! and Mayweather's own guilty plea), spent 60 of 90 days in jail for the attack. Clearly a fair and just punishment for a trained fighter slamming his fist into a human being one-half his size and 1/8 his strength. 

Floyd "The Girl Puncher" MayWeather recently told Katie Couric -- who also didn't believe a damned word Mayweather said on the subject (see video, note her voiceover) -- that he was restraining his ex-gal, because she was on drugs.

We believe she was on drugs. Sure, why not. If I had to be around Floyd Mayweather, I'd toke up to say the least. (More likely, I'd be downing some Ambien, but whatever.) 

But we're more likely to believe Mayweather likes to beat people up. Now, we haven't much proof of this (43-0, 26 KOs), it's only a guess ("Mayweather Guilty of Battery"), but we're pretty sure it's a pretty good theory.

Now, if only Manny Patsyfrown can get that shoulder fixed (and replaced with bionics) in time for the next fight.

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Photos used for parody purposes.

The Facts of Bruce Jenner's Life

She is Bruce Jenner — hear her roar!

A lot of people have made jokes at Bruce Jenner's expense. And, according to the Diane Sawyer piece, they made these jokes because Bruce Jenner was transitioning into a woman. 

However, what Sawyer's recent exclusive ABC interview neglected to point out was that everyone — including your late-night talk show hosts — was under the impression that Jenner was just becoming a weird old dude. 

Nobody actually realized he (now she) was transitioning until the word got out about the Adam's apple surgery Jenner had (that is, he had that Adam's apple turned into an Eve's orange...or something).

So while the world may have been unfair to Jenner, 20/20 was unfair to the comedians who had no idea what it was exactly that was going on with him.

And now that we do, I find it interesting that Diane Sawyer had to explain to everybody what a transgender person even is in 2015, half a century after Christine Jorgensen, decades since Bond girl and Playboy model Tula Cossey, several years after the Chazzy and Cher story, many months after Laverne Cox in Orange is the New Black, and a about a week since I discovered the T4M section on Craig’s List.

I’m kidding of course.

The T4M section for me is like Norm walking into Cheers. Shame all the paid escorts have ruined it. (Cheers I mean. Have you been?) I remember the days when you and a hot trans gal could just go back to your place and do each other doggy style until the sun came up.

Ah, but I digress...

As I was starting to say, the big question for me is why did Diane Sawyer hold everybody’s hand through this news story about Bruce Jenner and his soon-to-emerge alter ego? 

Was it because it was manly athlete Bruce Jenner?

Was she trying to elicit more empathy for him in his new life choices?

Or did she and the 20/20 producers just assume the public is too dumb to get it?

Well, I’d have to bet on the latter. As Ms. Sawyer herself asked, utterly confused, “So, do you like girls?...” Bruce explained that he does.

I had to wonder, how come no one ever asked this question of “Jo” on The Facts of Life?

Actually, how come no one ever asked this of Natalie on The Facts of Life?

And how come no one ever asked this of Blair on The Facts of Life?

Come to think of it, how come no one ever asked this of all the temporary, recurring, and replacement characters on The Facts of Life?

Wow. There were a lot of butch girls on The Facts of Life.

Ahem.

The only thing I find strange about Bruce Jenner is how much he seemed to act like Kim (Kardashian, not Fields). And am I the only one who noticed how catty he was commenting about others? On the subject of his Russian competitor (whom he beat) growing quite fat since the Olympics, Jenner stated “I won that battle too!”

In sum, Bruce Jenner seems like a really nice guy. But the lady he’s to become is gonna be one mean bitch.

I would have to assume Mrs. Garrett would be so proud!

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Images used for parody purposes & belong to their respective rights holders.

Helping Trevor Noah With Comedy

Yes, here it is, boys & girls!... 

As promised in the previous post (where I eviscerated Jon Stewart for his non-response & examined Noah's obnoxious Twitter history)...it's that time!  What time is that?!


Time to TEACH TREVOR NOAH COMEDY!!

Yay! And I'm quite comfortable saying that even the lame jokes below (and there are several) are far, far better than whatever-the-heck he wrote. A couple of twitter followers even pitched in...

Noah's original tweet:

Originally when men proposed they went down on one knee so if the woman said no they were in the perfect uppercut position.
— Trevor Noah (@Trevornoah) December 20, 2012

NEW & IMPROVED:

 

Original:

"Oh yeah the weekend. People are gonna get drunk & think that I'm sexy!" - fat chicks everywhere.
— Trevor Noah (@Trevornoah) October 14, 2011

NEW & IMPROVED:

 

And, one more time...

Original:

Behind every successful Rap Billionaire is a double as rich Jewish man. #BeatsByDreidel
— Trevor Noah (@Trevornoah) May 12, 2014

 
NEW & IMPROVED: 

Let's stay with his Jewish mogul theme to start... 

 

Meh. Perhaps there's just nothing there. So let's get more creative:

Yeah...that should do it.


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Th-th-that's all, Folks!