Madonna Parking Scandal or Madonna’s Become Cranky In Her Old, Old...Old Age

New York City, where parking is a lot like the movie Batman v. Superman — you expect something simple that'll just take up a small portion of your day but instead you end up scarred for life, wondering how your entire day got eaten up by a frustrating turd of an experience.

According to celebrity stalker site TMZ, Madonna, who owns a $40M townhouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan (for those who don’t know NYC, the Upper East Side is the northern-most rich neighborhood on the east side of Manhattan Island — it’s also where dowdy old Manhattanites go to get rye bread and die quietly at home), has decided, in Jerry Seinfeld parlance, "NO PARKING FOR YOU!"

In secret, the lucky star apparently decided to paint the borderline of the curb in front of her home a ray-of-light "no parking" yellow — in spite of it being out of vogue — and threw up some sidewalk talk which read "Tenant Parking Only," essentially making it clear that they can't holiday near the material girl and like a prayer papa don't preach a justify my love cherish la isla bonita blahblahblah did I already use borderline?

Well, a neighbor noticed the phony signage and reported the lady singer to the city. Because, while yes, she can warn people not to park in front of her driveway, the 40 feet of curb space to the left is public parking, and she’s got no say over any of that.

Madonna's fake "Tenant Parking Only" signage included planting a post on city sidewalk property and actually embossing the sidewalk in big letters which read "OI, THIS HERE SPOT IS RESERVED FOR PEOPLE OO'VE NOT SEEN MOY VAH-JAYJAY, GOV!"

Or, perhaps I'm misremembering, it may have just read "No Parking."

Nevertheless, Mad Madge has been given a warning from the city to undo all the voodoo that she did do. And, in her ever-classy Madonna style, the old croner, er, crooner, took it all in stride and completely empathized with her neighbors’ frustration.

No. I'm of course being sarcastic...but not as sarcastic as this post from Mad's Instagram

Yes Bishes I am Madonna and that is my driveway and if people park in front of it i cant drive in my driveway! So sorry the city doesn't like the color yellow! We will paint a nice dull grey to keep our neighbors happy! Sorry! Im saying 3 extra Hail Mary's this Easter for this transgression!

Actual Instagram post:

Yes Bishes I am Madonna and that is my driveway and if people park in front of it i cant... https://t.co/CnmnvriZt3 pic.twitter.com/Py1Sk42VK9

— Madonna (@Madonna) March 24, 2016

If you look up "classy in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Madonna. And, under it, a caption reading, "See Career Low."
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Blake Shelton Doesn't Drink Too Much (Wait, Is It Opposite Day?)

Someone Was Clearly Running
with Scissors.

No Matter How Small We
Make This Image, the
Headline Can  Be Seen
From Space.

In an eye-opening, liquor-swilling, gullet-guzzling interview with singer, songwriter, The Voice host, and drunken Gwen Stefani hair dresser, Blake Shelton is seen swigging alcohol from a mason jar while telling Entertainment Tonight "reporter" Nancy O'Dell that his drinking is just part of the relationship he has with his fans, that it's all an act.


O'Dell for her part laughs along with him at the joke, except for the one moment where she clearly got a whiff of his breath:

Um...yeah. No caption required.

Last year, magazine-nobody-admits-to-buying InTouch Weekly covered Shelton with the

bright yellow sans-serif bold 123-font-size headline "Rehab for Blake." Shelton was not pleased, and, after downing a couple of bottles of Wild Turkey with a 6-pack chaser, Shelton filed a declaration.

In the declaration, Shelton denies ever being in rehab and, further, denies having been drunk at the time/places In Touch indicates, denies drinking with over-indulgence, denies ever being so drunk that he cheated on ex-wife Mini-Mate figure Miranda Lambert, denies walking through lobbies drunk, drinking before 11 a.m., drinking in photos on Twitter where he himself declared himself drunk, and even knowing how to pronounce the word "Alcohol."

A recent picture of Shelton from The Voice may indicate otherwise:

Shelton Considers Another "The Voice" Contestant and
Face Transplant Reject.

Z!TV has done its due diligence -- as always -- and obtained a copy of the declaration and court filing referenced above. You'll note that it was written by Mr. Shelton in his own hand. Further information to come as it is made available. And, yes, these are his actual words...

 

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Images: InTouch Weekly, Bauer Publishing
Stefani: InStyle
Shelton & O'Dell: ETONLINE.COM
Tip O'Neil: AP
Legal Declaration: DocumentCloud.org

Lindsay Lohan’s New Boyfriend Gets Approval of Dina Lohan

One-time Disney icon, and former slave to sex-trade pimp Wilmer Valderrama, Lindsey Lohan is getting serious with her new boyfriend.

According to TMZ, Lindsay's disastrous mother has met, via Facetime, the mom of disastrous Lindsay's newest disastrous boyfriend — a disastrous Richie Rich of Russian import currently living in the U.K.

The Lohan mom indicates that the daughter for whom she’s made a ton of great decisions is now with the Cossack real estate developer, stating that they’ve "been in a relationship for a long time."

Utilizing Google's English-to-Hollywood translation option revealed the actual time to which "a long time" refers is as follows:

Figure 1. We went to Google's translation page...

Figure 2. We typed in the phrase to translate.

According to Entertainment Tonight, Lohan told the Sun newspaper that every time she has "been linked to someone," the press always opines that that man will help her with her alcohol/drug/parental/Hollywood/plastic surgery/ginger freckles/raspy voice problems. To which she says, "Fuck you ... I have done this for me. I take care of myself." Then she added, "They just set it up to fail." Proving once and for all that Mama June Lohan and Spouse Abuser of the Year — and Adderall spokesperson — Poppa Lohan hold no blame in the one-time leading lady’s downfall.

Z!TV of course wishes Lindsay the best and is sure that her rich Russian real estate mogul boyfriend is just as above board as every single Russian realtor we've ever met. Or every realtor we've ever met.


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Miranda & Blake Attacked By Sharks -- And We Don't Mean Divorce Lawyers

Country singers Blake Shelton and Miranda Something released the following statement about their recently signed divorce papers: "This is not the future we envisioned ... it is with heavy hearts that we move forward separately. ... [W]e kindly ask for privacy and compassion concerning this very personal matter."

The first to honor this request was Us Weekly which went through their lives with a fined-tooth comb (around which some wax paper was affixed to turn it into some kind of kazoo-like instrument to form the beginnings of a Country jug band) and a bottle of moonshine (see, that's where you get said jugs for said band).

Us not only listed every single pet the couple is expected to split between their two households but they even included pets they apparently don't have (according to their own sources [and besting TMZ in the pet-info category]).

HollywoodLife.com was so respectful, not to mention "heartbroken," over the split, they analyzed every single appearance and Instagram post from the singers that they could gather up. And then, just to prove they were "really sad," asked fans if they "predicted ... [the] divorce." Because nothing shows you care about the feelings of a (former) couple going through strife than an Internet poll that asks how many people predicted the split. Also, a link on the home page to every intrusive, analytical, ball-busting Blake & Miranda article they've posted is another great way in which they show they care.

People magazine's website portends to have proof that Shelton has a sense of humor, using as an example this tweet from his Twitter account: "Just got off the treadmill. This calls for a drink. Bitch..."

The article detailing Shelton's "joke" not only links readers to two more articles (each posted within 24 hours of the first) about the most important divorce in the history of humankind -- and, yes, we're including Sonny & Cher, Don Draper & the young Megan FrenchieLeBleu, and of course Betty & Barney Rubble (the rumored affair with Shmoo was never confirmed) -- but People also links us to bios on both Shelton and petite blonde ex-wife Kristen Chenoweth Kelly Ripa Miranda Lambert as well as their respective Twitter pages and a page which has a video montage of fans' reactions to the couple's split.

Fans were indeed shocked over the announcement. The couple had been together for a staggering amount of time -- four whole years. In entertainment industry conversion, that amounts to about 36 years to you and me. Add in the fact that both are Country singers, who probably had to listen to each other's music from time to time, and it probably felt like 50.

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Photo used for parody purposes. 

Bill Cosby, He Should've Stuck To 'Himself'

Reprinted from earlier blog, 11/20/2014

Bill Cosby. Yes, the only thing on Earth scarier to an actress than being told "The audition is at 3p.m...in my RV, behind the Denny's...with Willem Defoe." The world's most prolific rapist has been under quite a bit of well-deserved fire of late.

 

Victims continue to come forward detailing scenarios under which the comedian sexually assaulted them. Considering that this is the man who once told young black men wearing their jeans down around their groins to "pull their pants up," we can't help but enjoy the irony...since that is really the only part of this story one can "enjoy."

 

Although, perhaps there's this: Cosby's recent deals with Netflix and NBC, for a standup special and a new sitcom respectively, have both — like the proverbial noise on the new car you've just brought into the shop — gone away.

 

Although he continues to perform to sold-out crowds, it looks like The Cos is about to take his final bow if the court of public opinion has anything to say about it.

 

Here're the details: Our perverted Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr., Ph.D., apparently enjoys inviting young women back to hotel rooms while on tour, then offering them a drink and a pill. In story after story, women detail awakening to Cosby dressing, wrapping himself in a robe.

 

While it's possible he was just practicing his Himalayan monk chants in full gear while the ladies were out cold on his bed, that seems hardly likely. And it looks like Dr. Cosby's perversions don't end there.

 

We at Z!TV went in search, to see if there were further perverted peccadilloes of Bill Cosby. (You know, because drugging and taking advantage of young women is merely a peccadillo to Mr. Huxtable, who clearly thinks nothing of these [unforgivable] encounters[, you $!%@ing jerk].)

 

What follows is what we uncovered...We felt it necessary to pixelate the images and protect the identities of these others who've come forward.  The first one is especially...chilling...

 

"Dr. Cosby would tell me that his hand was
jealous of his tongue...and,
next thing I know, both are on me. And then he'd make
all sorts of 'pop' puns. It was just gross."

"It was nonstop with him. I was always
being put into situations where I had to touch
him inappropriately."

 

"As an '80s icon myself, you would think
people would listen, but there was, and still is, a
double-standard in our male-dominated society. I can only
hope that now, perhaps Mr. Cosby will see this and,
finally -- finally -- acknowledge his son."

"I don't know how you found me. No comment...NO COMMENT, I SAID!"

This victim who reached out to Z!TV required we further ensure his anonymity...

"Cosby is a gross, awful, horrid, disgusting, maniacal reprobate, and these 'colors' on me and on
my peers and workmates? They're not a 'pattern,' they're not a 'design.' 
We covered Mr. Huxtable's torso, but he covered us... These 'designs,' they're (and I know you
won't believe me), but they're Cosby's own designer semen! Yes, Bill Cosby has
DESIGNER SEMEN! And it's on all of us! It might even be on you!
And, my god, it doesn't wash out...it doesn't ever wash out!!"

Just as interesting is this video unearthed by ABC News (via the AP). At the end of it, Cosby tries to manipulate the young reporter into touching him in front of his wife ensuring the Q&A the reporter sprung on him about rape allegations never sees the light of day.

 

We certainly hope that justice will be served. With Jell-O Pudding Pops waayyy on the side.

 

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